


Soy Un Perdedor

by Starr_Reborn



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Bella is the mama bear he wishes he did not have, Bella is way too into it, Bella would be safer literally playing with fire, Bella's got two of em, Dead Parents, Drabble, F/F, Gratuitous use of the words 'Heck' and 'Fuggin', It's fine she's fine, It's not very exciting, Kinda AU, Kinda stream of consciousness, Ohmygoodness the wolves aren't terrible peeps, POV First Person, Rosalie is a dick to Bella, Seth Clearwater is a fudging SAINT, This is a long road to nowhere, Turn back Sarah turn back before it's too late, buckle up buttercup, oops i did it again, this is silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2019-08-03 22:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 52
Words: 22,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16334507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starr_Reborn/pseuds/Starr_Reborn
Summary: I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?ORBella Swan has a perfectly normal, very average, not exciting life that is definitely lame and boring.





	1. If it was a movie this would be the trailer

Hi.

I'm a loser. Don't believe me?

How bout my parents killed themselves just to get away. Well.

My dad did anyway. And if we wanna get technical my mother's death was also very much my fault but. Can I just take a moment to say we, as human beings, should discuss miscarriages and pregnancy issues more, like, please? Seriously they're über common, not to mention heart issues, blood pressure issues like, having a baby is scary and stressful and necessary to propagate our species but even today a lot of mothers don't survive.

Mine didn't.

But we didn't come here to talk about pregnancy issues, well, you didn't, you came here for me. And bless you for that foolishness. I'm a loser, through and through. I'm boring and I'm lame and I'm normal. I've got friends I've got family I valiantly slog my way through school and I'm definitely not going to college.

I could write a book about how much of a loser I, err...

Let's call this my introduction. The part just after I thank whoever for inspiring me to whatever. Prologue I guess.

You're here for a reason, probably not a good reason, but a reason nonetheless. And it's me, like hudoy obvs you would be, I might be a loser but you're the one here aren't you?


	2. It's not a hard life

I'm not certain if it was a heart attack or stroke or what. She got some hours of skin-to-skin, breast fed me. Never got the chance to change my diaper, which is honestly choice for her but. She died within a day of my birth and left my father with me.

He wasn't a bad father, by the way. He smelled like what's got to be a discontinued line of cologne and leather and the trees around Forks, and how his moustache tickled when he'd kiss me cheeks was just.

Those things were unforgettable. Those unforgettable things were wonderful. Not so wonderful was the funeral. I mean his funeral service  _was_  actually beautiful but I didn't understand what was happening and I couldn't find my father which looking back is probably why my dad cried so much harder.

My God Dad. He's just dad to me but a stranger would ask questions and there's your answer ya welcome.

I guess I'm sad my birth parents are dead. I'm mean, I'm not really guessing but I just have so much. Family and friends and things to love and enjoy. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about them. I  _barely_  remember my father, it just seems counterproductive to linger on  _What if..._  and  _Why...?_  when there's a world. My brothers my sisters my cousins my friends and my dad.

Pretty lame right? Selfish huh? Feels selfish, when I think about it, which I undoubtedly do cuz, hey! I'm a loser! I think about lame stuff.

It's not a bad life. Not an unpleasant one. It's just kinda boring. I don't just live in a small town, I live out on the Reservation just outside of a small town. That's when small towns like, ' _Damn son how the weather down there?_ '

It's fine by the way. A little rainy an misty, but like kinda salty rain cuz we right off the ocean. It's fine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm aware that "soy in perdedor" is masculine thank you


	3. I do this because I love her

If I could stop Leah from writing her paper permanently I'd... Huh. Guess I don't really know what I'd do. Probably make her pay attention to me until I grew bored. And then be a bit of an ass about it, how it's her fault I'm bored.

Oh yes, yes I like this idea!

"Leeee," I was already flopped on her bed face first so I couldn't petulantly throw my body onto it. I could wacky-inflatable-flailing-arm-man, though. "Leeeeedle leeeeedle LEEEEEEEE-"

"Bella ShutTheFuckUP!" My cuz - no, not cuz like 'cause, but cuz like cousin - punctuated this strongly worded request with a toss of one shoe. It was a size nine, shitty, crusty, falling-apart-at-the-seams black, left-footed Chuck Taylor to go sailing by my head and scuff the wall.

"You missed." I don't like being ignored. Well, sometimes I do. Like when I skip school. Like earlier today. Dad would be a little pissed but it's ok it just means he cares. Jacob would be jealous though the brat. "When's Seth outta school?"

"Same time you woulda been," Ooh her majesty deigns to grace me with her sass! Well! Let's just see what we can do about that.

"He's our only hope ya know?"

"Mhm."

"The only one smart, dedicated enough to get outta this shit town. Not like you or me, washed up-" the other shoe flies by, this one leaves a small dent in the wall. "Wow, aim much?"

The Bluetooth speaker Sam got her for her birthday mysteriously plays what'd once been soft background music, but very very loud. Extreme foreground music.

"What is this shit, the Scissor Sisters? When ya gonna develop an actual taste in music anyway?"

"Bella if you cannot shut up long enough to let me finish this, I'm calling Billy to tell him you're skipping. Again."

"You wouldn't-" the flipflop came outta nowhere. Pretty sure it just materialized. "Burn the witch!"

"GETOUTTAMYROOMBITCH!"

How rude. I'm taking this flop. See how she like me now!


	4. Because they are my precious bbies

The summers were best. My only solace in this unforgivable world that makes youth attend school.

What happened to the good old days where I would go out and find an often fatal job working in a factory until I died from scarlet fever at age twelve? I want that. I'm smart enough to read and write, do some numbers without a calculator. Err, math, I should say.

I dunno. Not gonna do anything with an education almost feels a waste.

So yeah, summer is my jam. Fishing and bonfires and camping and cliff diving with the boys. And Leah, obvs. And precious lil baby Seth. He's not quite one of the boys, just a bit younger than us, and if I have things my way he'll never be one of the boys. They'll  _ruin_  him.

And God help the person that ruins my Seth.

But he is getting older and soon a summer bonfire night will find his form on the beach with we heathens. I won't let him touch a single drink we bribe Sam to get us not a one! This is why I'm not dedicated to leaving this place, what if I pack up and hit the pavement and without my supervision Seth turns to the Dork Side?

I'd never forgive myself. Clearly I must stay. I gotta protect him. And I guess those losers I'm related to, blood and bonds. Feels right. Like my job. Not my actual job, that's out towards Port Angeles.

I work nights.

I like both jobs, even if I don't get paid to protect my pack of hoodlums. They wouldn't say I can protect them, since most of them are taller than me, but I'd put money on the lanky bitch - das me - cuz she scrappy. Just saying. I've been wrangling and wrestling these boys for forever, the day any of them can finally beat me is the day I start believing in.

Err.

Hmm. I believe in most things...

Oh!

I'll start believing in mermaids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll do more after work. Maybe you'll meet a vampire. Maybe.


	5. Can't rain on this parade

"Sam! Saaaaaam! SamSamSamSamSamSamSamSamSAAAAAAAAAAAM!" I once forgot my house keys at the house - Yes I keep my car and house keys separate. And I'm like super paranoid about murderers cuz when I'm bored I like to listen to/watch spoopy things on the youtubes, so I'd already locked the door on my way out. I beat my fist on the door after work until I couldn't feel it.

Dad was mad.

Almost as mad as Sam is right now.

"Sam! I-"

"What. Do. You.  _Want?_ " Seriously he's shaking right now. He doesn't look so good. I mean yeah, LeeLee told me he caught the flu but damn. Suppose everyone bailing on the camping trip wasn't just for nothin. This camping trip was supposed to be  _special!_  We were bringing Seth!

So yeah I do feel better that he's kinda dying from pneumonia.

"Umm, beer. Nonono, rum! Or shit vodka. I dunno. I got twenty bucks, make some magic happen."

He won't hit me. It's his dumb niceguy code. But he looks like a bear before it mauls people, or what I'd imagine a bear looks like right before, anyway.

But then he just laughs and groans and cradles his face. Sam can be chill if you let him. Just meet his tough ruff with your own and he's cool. Act all scared puppy and it just pisses him off. He thinks I don't know his secret but joke's on him Leah belongs to me!

I, the one who holds the thing that holds his penis! I've got all the power.

"Piss off Bella, I'm tired," he just kinda sags against the doorframe but he doesn't go inside, doesn't slam the door in my face. Which is basically begging me to stay.

"Yet you answered the door!"

"You've been kicking it for  _ten minutes_."

"You  _wish_  I was kicking it-"

"Please leave."

"Nooooo but alcohol! Sam! Spam! Sir Spamalot! PuhlEEEEEEEEEEAAAASE-"

"I could literally be dying."

"So as a dying wish I'll allow you to keep the change, and I've decided on tequila cuz I aim to hurt myself but not violently!"

He groans and shakes a little and seriously this boy  _drenched_  in sweat. He keeps fever-ing the way he is he'll kill what brain cells he has. Well, at least he'll have Paul to relate to OOOH BURN! Stupid brute. He coulda stuck with the camping plans at least. He might be a living breathing dickhead but he's an invaluable camping companion.

"You're still going? Didn't everyone..." How does one gesture to ask if people canceled? Well Sam accomplishes that by wheeling a hand through the air while letting his head loll on his neck.

"Yeah," I nod and scrunch up my nose. "But it's the first camping trip of spring-"

"Too early, it's still cold as balls, and nobody but you wanted to go in the first place." Rude interrupting fother mucker!

"-and those are  _sacred_."

...

...

...

"... Billy's mad at you-"

"-Dad might be mad at me, yeah. So. That a yes?" Bitch my puppy dog eyes the shit, I wish he'd resist. He tries to.  _Tries_.

He groaned for like the twentieth time.

Sighed.

And finally, holding out a hand without looking at me,

"Fine." SCORE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soon soon soon sooooooooooooon


	6. The drive is scenic, at least

As far as I'm concerned, the only things Forks is good for is containing all the white people. Now, I know that sounds harsh but hear me out.

They give Seth dirty looks every time they see him with me and the boys at the beach. And sometimes when he's not there, they still give me looks. Ain't nothin good in those filthy scoundrels. What kind of MONSTER stares down my baby?

The kind I'd avoid associating with. Bastards.

So yeah, as often as possible I avoid going into Forks. I'm pretty successful at it, most every excursion is literally to get to the highway. This one, for instance, is to get to my - our, technically, since me an the boys frequent it because I'm nice enough to share - long, winding trail into a sweet ass field.

If you park where the trail starts and hoof it, it's maybe an hour leisurely stroll? Usually that's what we do when it is, indeed, a we attending these camping trips. Bunch of pussywillow fuggin tree babies. As far as I'm concerned, only Sam (and technically Leah since they bone, but also Seth for he is but a child without any blame to be placed on his delicate shoulders) had any excuse to cancel.

Now I'll have to drink by myself for a day an a half. I mean my phone can play music but without a charger... I'm saving it for tomorrow, so I can get Hecked outta my gourd.

Alone.

And I'M the loser, can you believe that. Ugh. Only cuz I'm related to them!... But ok, I might be pretty lame. I plan to sleep, drink and read this first day. Like. Wow I'm the most boring. Camping by myself on second thought might be...

Oh! Paul can't steal my spicy jerky now, though! Ok so camping by myself will be choice AF.

There's this big ass tree, I dunno if it's oak or what - I bet one of you just assumed that just cuz I'm not-so-Native American means I know trees, friggin RACIST - but it's not a pine, and I like to get my tarp set up one end from the branches. For the inevitable, greenery providing rain! And warmth.

Tarps surprisingly hold in heat. They also hold in swamp ass, so. The dangers of camping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOON SOON SOON SOOOOOOON


	7. It isn't time wasted if you're getting wasted

You ever been so drunk you think you're actually going to die?

Until this point I'd never been. You try sharing alcohol with circus sideshow giant freaks like those I live with. So a bottle of tequila to myself for two days? I'm just lucky Jacob had never fessed up to where our field was elsewise I'd be Hecked right out my skin and have to fear divine intervention in the form of dad.

He's already mad enough I skipped school on Friday but come  _on!_  It was Friday!

I dunno. It can get lonely out here but it's also just, like, super peaceful. I love my family with all my heart but sometimes I need to get away. It's why I enjoy night work. People say you never get used to it, but joke's on them I've always preferred night!

No but for serious, it's quiet and nobody's awake, feels like the world belongs to me then. Me and the other creatures of the night. So yeah, some time away from my brother, away from the boys? Choice.

Also at any time I get even slightly lonely - and tequila is fun juice for sure but drunkenness can quickly become mopey-ness - I just text Leah.

So far I've told her that milk is basically just meat juice and pants are just shorts with extensions. I also tried to ruin our friendship by demanding why we could ever be together when she doesn't like Colleen Green but she stubborn.

Like, drunken stupor dancing along to her first album is super fun and anyone that doesn't love her is wrong, ok? That's not my fault, that's a person-by-person based personal issue that I have no experience with! I can't, I can't help someone like that except to be in their presence.  _Le-yah!_

...

That works better when she's here for me to be a dick to.

Maybe I can summon her astral projection, pro-projectioned... form here with my mind! See, the book I brought with me is about animal magick and like. It said somethin about like, summoning people or some shit? I think they're usually dead or made up, I dunno I'm not really certain on the procedure for these things I've read like five pages BUT!

Within those five pages it mentioned astral projecting and people and, I mean I'm super having a bunch of fun dancing(stumbling messily) around right now but. I dunno. Maybe company would be aight. I guess. Even Paul is pretty funny when he's not being his usual self.

Obviously I'll just summon her spirit with my mind. And HMM.

...

HMMMMMMM

...

HHHRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMM.

This isn't working. Am I trying too hard? It said something like uh. Hm. What  _did_  it say? I had to will it or something but like, things don't belong to - the government, taxes, and most laws would disagree woo-woo-magic-practising-writer-of-that-book-lady! - people so I can't uh, demand it.

Ok, ok ok. Got this I GOT this!

Ok.

O.

K.

Alright.

Here we go.

HHHH _HHHRRRRRRRRRR **RRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMM**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON
> 
>  
> 
> There's something wrong with this bells and I can't figure out what that is... I think she's just a kook. But like a happy one. And that feels wrong somehow. which seems wrong that i feel that's wrong. That's where I am rn. Good day to you all.


	8. The worst part is I'll probably eat jerky later

Did you know deer can scream? I didn't. That was news to me. I mean, most living loving breathing things can make noise, loud and quiet and everything in between but. I dunno. It's never occurred to me to wonder what a dying deer sounds like.

Now I've wondered what moose sound like. Not screaming or dying, just like. What sounds do moose make when they're making moose sounds? I hope it's not screaming.

So yeah, deer can scream and it's terrifying DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS TERRIFYING?

Spiders. I'd like them more if they had less eyes I think. Why couldn't they be like flies and have two bigass eyes and a little acid mouth? Why the teeth and the eyes, whaddya see with those? Why ya gotta eat like that? I know they serve some greater ecological purpose but could you do it less horrifyingly?

For serious, it's crazy I don't get it. SILK BUTTS WHY THE FUCKING SILK BUTTS!? Ugh. I just can't.

I have lost the ability to even.

Oo and umm, also! Side note - watching a person rip a deer apart with their teeth is mildly distracting. Err, ahh, distributing! No, it's fucking, Jesus my brain,  _disturbing!_

Soooo.

So Yeah, uhm, pretty fucking awful actually. On the other hand, tequila heals almost as many wounds as time! Even if I feel a little sick. It's fine. This is fine.

P.P.S.! This is kind of hot and that also makes me feel sick! Not the, animal uh maiming murdering thing, that's. No. But the chick doing it to the poor lil beast? Ten outta ten would recommend, would watch again, would love to be best friend.

I really don't feel good, _oouf_ , this is what I get for. For fuggin. Chuggin. _Ugh_.

"Just KILL IT already, Jesus!" _Huuc. HHuc_. Ah God,  ** _huuuurcgk_**


	9. Delusions and dilemmas and other d words

I know what you're thinking. I  _know_  it. But you're wrong!

"That," fun fact, chasing vomit with tequila is. A very bad idea. I mostly regret it. I will continue to do the chasing however. "Had nothing to do with you!"

Fun fact number two! Should not have drawn attention to myself.

"If I pee myself in the next minute,  _that_  will probably have more to do with you!" A few more courage sips couldn't hurt.  _Ohhhgawditburns_. Oh that is terrible.

Hey, where did she

"You." JESUSMARYANJOSEPH! How the low hanging fruit did she sneak up on me!? She was across the fucking field! "What are you doing here!"

Uh, this could be a life or death thing. Right now my very survival and every breath I've ever taken or planned to take could hinge on this. I have to be deliberate an

"Drinking hon. An camping. Would ya believe my family bailed on me for this trip? So lame! But I don't have to share any oranges or sleep in man-stank in the tent so. Go me! Umm, would you like some tequila or were you gonna finish, uh, ya know,  _that?_ "  _That_  of course referring to the now silent deer.

Did I mention that she's covered in blood? Like, her face. It's distracting and distributing! Dis. Disturbing. Why am I like this? Brain, just why?

"Doya wanna be friends?" Oh! She's, uh. She's gone. Maybe she really didn't want to...

The deer is gone. How is the deer gone? What _THEFUCK_ justhappened. Did I, in my very complicated magical spirit summoning willful ways, astral project that? I mean, yeah I could - and am currently heading across the field to - check for blood stains on the grass but.

What the Heck did I summon?

There's no way that was real there's just

Huh.

Welp.

That is. That is bloody grass right there now ain't it?

Huh. How drunk is too drunk to drive? Maybe I could just sleep in the car uhh... Oh! Millennial sensibilities to the rescue! Oh sweet sweet cellphone.

"Lee if you don't pick up I'll never pinch your bootycheeks ever aga- LEEDLELEE, hey, hummm favor I need a favor I UGH!  _Rude bitch!_ " She hung UP on me! Can't hang up on a text message.

"If, I die, before the, sun rises, it's  _your_  fault!" Yes I say what I'm texting out loud. People that don't are aliens or terrorists.

...

Chill?  _CHILL!?_

"NO. I WILL NOT. CHILL! COME GET ME, _NOW_ , YOU BITCH!"

...

What could she possibly be dealing with that's so.  _Oh_. Oh my God, Ooh fuck this fuck all this I can't. That's  _bad!_

"What, doya mean, Sam's missing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just saw the new Halloween. Jamie Lee is still a queen. Judy Greer was excellent in it. I have one complaint - i have like five, actually - and that's Michael shoulda had more epic stab scenes where is my HARD downward knife thrusting mayhem!?


	10. Even if it kills me

Dad grounds me. Me! I'm supposed to be the responsible big sister! How can I do that without freedom or - he does let me go to work tho. He's upset that I'd skipped class, even more upset I all but skipped town, but he'd never do something so crazy as to threaten my income source. Plus he knows the worst I'll get up to is drinking with the others.

Diet Cig's lead singer hit the nail on the head in  _Sleep Talk_ , second cigarette makes me feel like shit too. Weed is. Just. I dunno. I already think someone's out to get me when I'm sober. I won't say I've never tried it just that it's never been a priority to pursue more than what I've experienced.

So letting me drive to and from work isn't something he waits by the front door for. He has been driving me an Jake to school though. It's soooo lame. It's fitting though, for me. It's like a loser limousine.

Sam is still missing. Apparently he disappeared sometime either Friday night or Saturday morning. I was one of the last people to see him. Feels weird.

I don't usually worry about Sam. He's  _Sam!_  That boy is like twelve feet tall and built like The Hulk mid-transformation. Sam is the last person I'd ever... I haven't told Leah I saw him. I'm kinda terrified to. She's been  _so_  worried I.

I dunno. I mean, I know I'm a loser but I don't usually feel like... When I think about Leah upset, crying and frantic and none of the things she's been because she's such a fuggin weirdo and thinks she has to be strong in people's eyes it feels like. Like I'm just getting ripped into like that deer.

Just not from the throat, more of an intestines ripping out 80s horror gore gross pain. Seeing her clenched jaw but the brightness of wet eyes. Makes my stomach churn.

I just hope he shows up soon, I owe him an ass kicking for scaring Leah like this.

Even dad has been tense about it. Him and the other old farts out here have been talking pretty much every night about it. Yesterday he even went into town. Dad never goes into town! Well. I mean.  _Occasionally_  I guess but like. It's weird. Makes me worry more.

He seemed so. Odd when he came home. Grim as Heck. Never seen him so somber. He tried to ban me from camping outside the Rez! I put every foot down about that. That weird scary shit was weird and scary but I'm not gonna so easily give up the perfect field to camp in.

Even if...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii Scout, nice to see you here! Yes i like to think I'm pretty accurate with my tags. Truthfully it WAS two parts but then i SPOILEDIT and yeah.


	11. Because it's Wednesday and she was asking for it

I. Will. Kill. EVERYONE.

"Go awaaaaaay!" Dad would barge in, Jacob would yell like I do, this leaves one of the boys or-

"Bella get the fuck up!" LeedleLee. Of course.

"You better be dying!" I hope she can hear that from beneath my blankets, muffled through my pillow. Lifting my head for the first yell was very tiring. And I'd know something about tiring. I was just woken from a dead ass sleep.

"Sam is back!"

Holy-

DAAAGHMYFUCKINGKNEE

"Jesus Bella you ok in there-"

"'m fine! I'm just. I'm  _Fine!_ " Just ass over tea kettled out of bed into my dresser. "Just-" I stumble into the door and manage to scrap my poor widdle pinky toe as a yank it open. "Sam?"

Jesus fuggin Heck that smarts.

Awww, Leedle, she's so pretty when she smiles. Gawd she'll make me cry looking so happy like that.

"He's back," she kinda croaks that out and,  _oof_ , I can't. I don't think Leah's ever hugged me like this. I mean  _ever_. I've known her for like thirteen years. That's a fucking teenager of time and she. My poor baby. I can squeeze back too.

"Lee, Leedle, Leah hon," fucking. She's  _crying_  right now. "Bb gril, it's ok he's ok, you're ok." Holy shit. I'm really gonna kick his ass.

"I, I, hu-he jus-jus-ust," Even she is taller than me but hey, when she's burrowing into my neck it's easy to pet her hair and kiss her scalp.

"He just, showed up?" Nodding against my throat. Sniffles. This sweet thing. You know if Leah would be this honest with her feelings all the time she'd be as precious as lil baby Seth. "And he's ok? Not hurt?" He is ok, he isn't hurt. Ahh the sweet language of hiccups and nods amidst sniffles and tears.

"He-he's home," she composes herself just enough to draw back. She keeps one arm looped around my neck cuz I am the rock, the island she needs to root herself in these tumultuous seas. If it was appropriate for me to snap a picture right now...

"He is. I'll be glad to curb stomp him." Top ten ways to tell Leah is emotional is when she laughs at my threats and promises. "Where is he, anyway?" She's finally starting to fully pull away but joke's on her my room is small. You don't wake a Bella from dead sleep unless you're willing to accept the consequences. She knows that.

I shuffle backwards slightly with my arms still wrapped around her waist, she struggles only enough to get out a complaint and BOOM, a not-so-suplex onto the bed! Leah screams and struggles but girl I'm wild good at wrangling this girl! I cackle and fuggin anaconda around her until I've got her pinned. She bucks and bites but alas, I am unshakeable.

She blows hair out of her face. She's glaring. This is the Leah I know an love.

"With your dad. And my dad. And the elders. Get  _OFF!_ " Is humping and moaning on top of her appropriate for that request?

Yes, yes I think so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the timeline is weird and people's ages aren't the same, I haven't exactly mentioned that yet but I'm going to. It might be easier to do so in the notes but who really reads these amirite? Course I am. Aight keep it cool babies I'll post more later


	12. Where's Eleven I'm sensing stranger things

"Spaaaaaaamalot!" I was calling it as I ascended the two abysmally small cement steps to his front door. They're more like toe wreckers for drunk feets but. I don't even have time to start beating on his door before it swings open and he's there.

And ya know?

He's the same ever Sam. Nothing is different. Looks the same, frowns the same. Same coffee dark eyes, even the way he stands, arms crossed in the most glorious closed-off power stance is all Sam. So it's  _really_  fucking weird.

You ever seen a friend, a physically unchanged person you are wildly familiar with, and think to yourself that you don't  _know_  that person?

Yeah, same Sam but also.  _Different_.

Maybe it's in the way I stand and stare that he  _knows_.

"Anything interesting happen while camping?" and his voice is the same but not. There's  _more_. It's not deeper just more. It's like he's aged years in days, I guess. I dunno.

But his question that. It catches me more than his not-evident changes. And I swear to you this boy narrows his eyes at me. Two can play at that Spam.

"As a matter of fact, yeah!" I dare to step up to him, not like I'm feeling daring but he kinda tenses like it's a daring moment. "Yeah something real interesting."

There's a tremble that I notice only cuz I'm close enough to shove him and he's shirtless. Which like, wasn't he the one saying it was too cold this time of year?

"Oh yeah?" And there's so so much more. Like his voice got kinda thick on those two words.

"Yeah," I lean a little closer, he leans a little closer. "My best friend's beau went  _fucking_  missing." I put that shoving distance to good use-

What.

Dude he didn't even move.

I shoved  _myself_  back just now. To his credit, Sam doesn't move but he surely look shook by my actions. He stopped trembling so. I dunno, success? And then, ah game recognize game, Sam starts to laugh and that weirdness flees. It's just Sam. Not a Sam-I-don't-know.

So he laughs and I'm all puffed up with pretend anger that is maybe sorta kinda real anger and I slap at his shoulders and chest and he easily fends me off,

"Don't. You. Ever. Scare. My. Baby. Like. That. AGAIN!" Every word is punctuated with a smack. Usually I can land a hit on his big dumb head but he ducks them all. The bastard.

"I'm sorry," he's laughing and dodging and, "I'm sorry I'm-" and I stop and he's just. Weird again. He deflates, sagging against his door like he had Friday. "I'm really sorry Bella. I won't. I swear I won't. "

Kinda. Kinda makes me uncomfortable. I mean yeah Sam can be a grouchy Grinch and a somber Susan sometimes but it's just so. Feels like he's got a secret he's dying to tell, if that makes sense. He's holding back and acting weird. I don't like it.

"Yeah you better not,  _punk!_  Or else."

At least his smile is the same.


	13. I always thought of him as a power bottom

Ugh. I seriously hate the Silverware Children. Every single time they show up at the ocean off-season I swear it's only when I'm there. Yeah, I'm the big bad protector of Seth an the boys, big fuggin whoop get over it already! Or take a picture,  _shit_.

I mean, I wanted to walk along the beach anyway but now it feels like I'm being chased. Not like literally, I've checked and they're not following just. My stroll was gonna be leisurely, ya feel? It feels rushed now. It's unnatural.

Sam spread his germs to Jared and Paul. As if Paul needs the threat to his intelligence. Sam is still weird. It's been like two weeks and he's just.

He quit his job. We worked at the same place, just different shifts. Sam has-err, had been there for like five years. It's just. Sudden.

The only Supe I like from his shift won't stop complaining to me but Sam just shrugs me off when I relate the complaints. Won't even tell me why.

I'm not grounded but dad's being a dick about camping. It's super annoying. I know Sam went missing and probably almost died but he got better!

My camping had nothing to do with his disappearance, it was purely coincidental. Like the fact dad isn't banning me from camping, just from the field. Coincidental. Not related to my last...

But so it feels kinda related though? And I know it shouldn't but I can't help it. I'm paranoid, sue me.

Someone is following me I-

Oh it's just LeedleLee. This also doesn't feel coincidence-y but.

"Oi where'd you come from?"

"Your mom."

"My mom's dead."

"Wow calm down Batman." awww, sweet thing. I loop arms with her and she complains because she is herself, but settles down and let's me lead us. "So..."

"So?" Ooh, she's biting her lip, this is gonna be  _good_.

"Sam's been..." Ok so I'm not the only one then! Wait unless she's not gonna, err,

"Go oooon?"

She stops us, she. Oh my goodness golly Hecking gee. She's blushing! Oh sweet Jesus. I can't handle this cuteness. Finally she sucks in a breath just to huff it out, looking at me like a kid on Christmas.

"Sam's been crazy in bed, babe, I mean like  _wild_ ," she's fanning herself the little tart!

"Ewww disgusting, tell me _everything_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lawlawlawl Silverware Children


	14. Cuz curiosity will kill me

I haven't been thinking about her. I mean I have, just not directly. I'm trying not to ya know? Like for serious I  _dream_  about her. I can smell the vomit and blood. Hear the deer screaming. Also a moose in a top hat singing Jay Som songs and dancing on its back legs is there and that's pretty weird but.

Beyond what my REM brain assaults me with it's easy to not think of her.

Word on the beach is some new cutlery has moved into town. People out here, mostly old people like dad but also weirdly Sam Jared and Paul, are kinda tense about it. It's weird. I mean I put up with Silverware as unhappily as the rest,  _more unhappily even!_ , but I haven't even met these kids to dislike em.

I wanna trust Sam but he's still being weird, even if he's delivering a good dicking to my homegril. Leah still super trusts him but she also the one getting the good dicking so.

I want to camp again. Still a little chilly little rainy. But I just. Really. Want to.

I mean like, but what if she's there again? Would she talk to me? Try to rip my throat open like the deer?

She was really pretty. I'm not really sure if I'm gay, I've never thought about it. Butts are nice I guess, and eyes are pretty. And like shiny hair is nice too I guess. I dunno I've just never bothered to worry about it. I've been approached but I've never felt a spark enough to humor someone else.

Harsh right? Why hurt another person pretending I felt something for them? That's not right to me. Now, that does not mean I'm miss prude Jude Christian dude...ette, but I've just never... like, relationship-ed before.

I'm not. I'd don't think I'd.  _Relationship_  with this OK SO THAT IS NOT THE POINT ok so get off my back.

She was pretty and she spoke to me and she was I'm just.

Curious. I'm so fucking curious and I  _really_  want to see her and ask her who she thinks is a better murderer - H.H. Holmes or Jeffery Dahmer. I feel like she'd have an interesting opinion. And I wouldn't have to explain who they were, I feel like. You wouldn't believe how many people don't know who they are it's very frustrating to me.

I dunno.

I'm asking for trouble I guess. Cats and satisfaction.


	15. So I've started believing in mermaids

Now far be it from me to insinuate that The Office - either version I try not to discriminate - is not comedy gold. It is. It's a gold mine. Fuggin epic, I've literally spent hours marathoning it before.

But I didn't exactly come to Sam's to binge episodes of The Office with Paul, of all brutes. He's been pushing and pissing me off for twenty minutes. Which in Paul time - that is to say time spent in the physical presence of Paul - is like six months. I've basically been a prisoner of war, but with The Office on in the background.

So a fancy prison.

Did I ever mention we tried to date once? Didn't last more than an hour. It's more like, he asked, I told him I'd consider, and forty five minutes later I told him we'd argue too much, he disagreed, and we fought.

I won, naturally.

This, though.

Paul is being an irritating little bastard and I am seconds from punching him in his dumb mug.

"Paul, I say this as someone who tolerates you with an amount of affection... Tell me where Sam is or I  _will_  jackslap you."

This fother mucker gets  _angry_. Scowling at me like some anthropomorphic thunder cloud.

I slap him.

Not hard, it's more like viper-quick love tap to the cheek. Honestly this is not the first time I've had to do this. Sam and Jared have been getting bitchy lately too. I used to shove or punch them - no not in the face, Jesus - but recently they've all started doing P90X or some other workout cult, Crossfit maybe, I dunno.

Anyway they're huge and made of cement. So Yeah, little slap taps. Cuz I don't have a spray bottle filled with water.

"No! Bad Paul! I'm allowed to ask questions don't be a dick!" If he still gets angry I've also found that screeching like a monkey startles him and uh. Generally he calms down.

He does this time anyway. And if he looks weirdly apologetic and like, upset-ish but not angry upset but sad upset, I ignore it. He'll be fine.

"He'll be back soon," not what I asked by the way. But sure. "Sorry."

See what I mean about being bitchy? Seriously when had Paul ever apologized for anything? He's like a cat, a hyper little psychopath who's mostly harmless, but completely unapologetic about  _everything_.

"Whatever dude. You're lucky I wasn't trying to hurt you or, hoooo boy I woulda wrecked you." Paul snorts and rolls his eyes.

I haven't tried to wrestle them but...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing for this Bella she such a goober. 
> 
> Hulloooo Cody! Thank you thank you, i been places. By a park mostly. I'm glad the oocness is going over well. The pack, when they weren't being a bunch of mad fresh wolfed out puppers, had so many sweet family moments. Gimme that i want that it look nice, I'll give it to Bella thank ver much.


	16. This is why I don't like Silverware Children

The heat creeps slower than anything.  _Heat_  is a kind word I guess, it never really gets hot here. Warmish. Comfortably, shorts and a long tee weather. That was my choice anyway. Let's me feel the ocean spray on my legs.

Now, the inevitable batch of Silverware I run into are donning jeans and coats but they don't fuggin count. They're like cockroaches skittering around my beach.

Oh damnit, I met eyes with one of - whaaaat the Hell, nonono sir this is not Pokémon you don't approach me after our eyes meetWHATTHEFUCK abort Abort!

Well so I originally wanted to leave or walk to the other end of the beach, but I know for a fact that this end is way nice and-

"Hey, umm, excuse me!" Nope nope nope nope not today Satan! I have ear buds in so as far as he knows I'm not being rude. Is sprinting appropriate?  _Shit_. Shoulda sprinted when I had the chance. "Ah, h-hey! Sorry about uh, grabbing you-"

"What doya want?" I pull out a bud, let it hang free, look really annoyed like he's super interrupting my music listening. I'm literally not even listening to music. I put these in to help me ignore people.

He's not ugly by the way. I just really don't like anybody that grabs me to get my attention. Speaking of lemme just go ahead an  _yank_  this arm o' mine outta his hand.

"Uh, umm, hi first off! I'm Mike," holds out the same hand he put on me! Who he think he is? Fother mucker  _No_. I stare at his hand until he drops it. Acting socially inept and overly obtuse is super Hecking good at getting rid of flies. "Uhhh, so uh, who are you?"

You ever seen like, any movie where they just go to some animal chewing grass and it blinks either slowly or just like, one eye? I blink one eye, and then the other,  _very_  slowly.

"Not interested." And then I turn and keep walking. 'Cept I hear him walking after me.

OH  _Joy!_

"I uh only ever see you aroun- _fuck!_ " he stumbles. Maybe he should watch where he's going instead of my ass, which in my opinion is not even my best asset. It's not really that big or enticing, I'd know, I'm an ass girl myself. I like to assume my father or mother were ass people. I've never asked dad, that'd be weird. "Ah, Err, hey wait-"

"Dude,  _just friggin_ , like, what the fuck do you want right now?"

"Are you dating them? Those guys you're always with?" Oh so I couldn't be dating Leah? Friggin RACIST. Err. HOMOPHOBIST. Ho-homophobicist!

"You mean my brothers? No. I don't."

"So you're-"

"No."

"You didn't let me-"

"No."

"I just-"

"No." I'll give it to him he's persistent. But I'm persistent too. "No, and before you say anything else, no. I don't know you, I don't want to know you.  _No_."

...

Oh yeah, call  _me_  a bitch. 


	17. It's like that show Prison Break but I don't have any tattoos

It's been like two months and I think I'm about to lose my God damn mind!

I can't I can't take this much longer I just. If dad or Sam an the P90X dweebs don't stop fucking - THEY WON'T LET ME GO CAMPING OFF THE REZ.

I'm  _sick_  of this shit. I might, I might actually kill them. Not dad, I love him too much. But I can help nurture Leah through the death of Sam. Not enough people will care about Paul... Maybe Jared will be chill if they're gone?

...

Hmm, I'd be the first suspect, not worth it.

"Bella,"  _shit_. I was so sure dad was in a meeting with the geezers! "What are you doing?"

"Mmmmm. Not. Going camping?"

"Oh yeah?" He's smiling but. My nod is still hesitant.

"Yeah. I was. Made friends with. Some kids - Mike and, uhh. J-Jessica?" I made up the last one, I'm counting on name trends for basic white girls here.

"Oh really? Sounds interesting. What'll you be doing?"

"Going. Out. To-to, uhh, Port Angeles, the mall and like dinner and then. Uh. Backyard camping, at Mike's. Yeah, and uh, Angela, " I suppose binging The Office recently is good for names. "Will be there and it'll just. It's gonna be super kewl."

"That sounds fun,"  _he knows._

"Haa, yeah, hahah, it's gonna be great."

He's not stopping me. But he's  _watching_. I swear he knows, what kinda game is he playing?

"Huh," he kinda sucks his teeth. And then he smiles, pats my truck. "Well have fun. Call me when you get where you're staying so I know that you're ok."

Did. Did I just.

OHmygawwwd, I just got away with this. I'm getting away with this! I, I have to tell somebody I

Seth wouldn't betray me would he? I wouldn't put it past Leah, she's feisty like that. Hmm, maybe not anyone actually. If they let it slip...

Whatever, gifts and horses, I'm riding this rust bucket to the field before it's too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more before work. After we might meet rose more officially oooooh.
> 
>  
> 
> Or not, who knows, this story title might as well be Bella Has ADHD.


	18. They're not so bad when they feed me

I don't even park my car before I'm calling dad. He doesn't have time to finish saying  _Hello?_  before I set in on him,

"You did know where I was going you sneak!" And he laughs. I roll down my window to wave at everyone. Jacob Embry Quil, Leah and Seth, Sam an his workout cult. EVERYONE! "I don't know if you called them but, sorry for trying to lie to you. I love you dad."

He loves me too.

"YOU CHEEKY BASTARDS!" Who gave Jacob a beer? Hmm, just this once kiddo. He looks sheepish enough that I know he knows. I still think Jake is too young, at fifteen I'm not so happy he'll be consuming alcohol but at least Seth is still pure. I gotta go squeeze that boy.

"Bella, hey it's- _hrk_ " MY BOOOOOOOOY! Oh my sweet lil baby Seth it's been like three days. Aww I've missed him so like the the moon miss night like the stars miss the sky muh sweet baby BOY! "Bell, please. My ribs!"

"I must hug you, oh sweet boy I won't ever HEY! Leeeeeedle, nooo I was just hugging he yon boy!" This bitch. I'm almost as old as her she can't just drag me around,  _away_  from Seth.

"Shut up," she snaps, shoving me down on a log and filling my hands with cans. She was even kind enough to pop both tops for me. "Drink." Rude. Ordering me around. I'm only drinking cuz I feel like it, not cuz she told me to just so ya know.

"What took you so long Bella?" Quil and Embry were making- _Ohmygoodness_

"Is that your famous chili? With the sweet potatoes?"

"Mm, trying something new actually, parsnip and locally sourced ground chicken, a bunch of other shit too. Later we're gonna roast up some pork shoulder." Oh my gawd. Embry is a crazy good cook, Quil's good company at the stove, he's got a way with spices it's crazy. I mean these boys make better food than most restaurants.

Just wait until Emily's back in town and they all get together I swear.

"When Emily visits this summer," I gotta drink from both cans at once, right? Feels right. "We're doing this again."

I know I complain a lot, I'm pretty lame and besides being a loser, I'm related to these losers - Jake just laughed so hard beer came out of his nose and now he's crying (no judge cuz that shit fucking smarts) - but. God damn.

I love my family.


	19. I'm not gonna say she made me wet, but

So I don't have gender dysphoria but sometimes I wish I was a dude.

Not like...

Ok so squatting to piss in the woods is awful I'm just saying if I had a dick to aim and just in general not squat to pee that would be terrific.

So.

That's where I am right now.

This is not a. I didn't really think about.

_Ahem_.

Pretty quiet out tonight. I'm not nearly as drunk as I would have liked but shit beer and cheap wine only go so far with these guys. I got like two bites of pork shoulder, seriously I've never seen Sam and The Cult eat like that it's pretty wild. They are like starving wolves in the dead of winter.

Like I get it, I know that all they do when no one is looking is chug horse tranquilizer and creatine shakes, but seriously. They have no chill.

Plus, and maybe it's the creatine, I think their hearing is getting better? I think I'm crazy. Crazy like a  _FOX_. No but seriously I almost died just walking away from the field. I've said before and I'll say it again, I'm paranoid.

Also I'm not that drunk but I'm drunk so I'm allowed to be uncomfortable.

Fuggin. Ah  _damnit_ , it got on my foot!

This is, ugh. I think there was a stream pretty close. When the wind's real low and the birds are quiet you can here it from the tree but I'm not really Oh! Well shit I can hear it from here. It's like super close. Word!

I can just dip my foot in and. Pretend that's why it's wet in the first place. Shoes woulda been smart I guess. 'Cept flops. Those wouldn't have helped much.

I guess-

"HO FUCK!" AH! Oh jeez. Ohmygawsh. This. Stream came outta nowhere! Haaa ok. That is. Terrific. Ass first into the drink.  _Perfect_.

That is just.

...

Is that laughter?

Damnit, which one of those.

Oh. It's

"You."

She's prettier without the blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeing in the woods takes practice my dears.


	20. I know this bitch didn't just insult my family

"You're not supposed to be here." I feel like every time I see this, uhh, Err, woman(? Thing?) I say something I shouldn't. What was it last time-

Oh yes! When I told her to hurry up and kill the deer and she didn't kill me.

I wonder if that luck will hold?

Let's find out!

"Excuse me?" She doesn't even look mad but that snapped outta her like the crack of a whip.

"You're not supposed to be here I didn't summon you." I'm not gonna say I think I'm a witch or anything but pretty dang sure she arrived cuz I was channeling her, ok? Ok.

"I...don't know what you mean by that," she blinks fast and kinda shakes her head a little. "You're already one of them. Aren't you?" Uh. Who now? "You are, you  _reek_  like them. Like wet dog." And she sneers and I wouldn't call a sneer pretty but if the boot fits.

"Yeah, well you look like a model so." She doesn't laugh. I think she smiles? It's almost more like a face spasm. Hmm, and now she's frowning.

"Enjoy this while it lasts," is she. She does realize I'm still sitting in a stream because I pissed on my own foot right? Well.

Ok so she wouldn't know  _why_  but she's got eyes I'M IN A FUCKING STREAM AND IT'S COLD!

"Uh-huh, sounds about right." I don't think nods are patronizing but I do believe they very much have the capacity to be. Just gotta do it right, make the right sorta face.

Her frown turns even more severe. That's some serious displeasure. Killing it, girl.

"Come tomorrow you won't step foot on our land ever again."

WHOMST THE FUCK

Oh Hecking Heckity Heck NO.

"First off, I don't know what the dick you're talking about," ok, standing is worse because now the night air is chilling already cold soaked bottom half me. This is fine I'm fine, power stance time. "Secondly, you can't stop me from shit. You're not my boss, not my girlfriend, not my father, and not my friend. You don't have the right."

"First off,  _mutt_ ," umm, ok, back right the fuck up.  _Excuse you?_  "Playing dumb might suit your little  _bitch_  brain-" ohoho, oh, oh she's cute. That's cute. "-but you know  _exactly_  what I'm talking about. You should be so lucky we allowed  _your kind_  this last day trespassing on Cullen land-" seriously whomst the fuck? "-and I can snap your neck before you even blink. So secondly, yes, I can stop you, from anything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm on the first episode of the new hotness of Netflix, Sabrina the Angsty As Fuck Teenage Witch. It's crazy.


	21. I feel like I should be asking questions but... Eh

"You've got such a pretty mouth to speak so ugly to a stranger." I might be a little angry right now. Mutt.  _Mutt!_  She fucking. You don't talk about my family like.

She might be terrifying but I'm afraid she's gone too far.

I'm so mad I can't be afraid of her.

"So I'd fucking  _watch it_  if I were you."

It takes her the longest second to realize I threatened her.

And then she gets almost as angry as me.

"You  _filthy-_ "

" _Bellaaa! Bells where the fuck you at?!_ " Jared is kind of a worry wort. I mean I guess I've been gone a few but like, seriously  _no Hecking chill_  with these cultists.

"Called for reinforcements, puppy breath?" What  _is_  this shit? I don't fudging get it I. I feel compelled to bite back.

"Oh I'm  _so sure_  I'd need it; here's the deal Kate Moss, why don't you fuck off and go do some blow elsewhere before I have to break your pretty, straight nose."

I've heard I have a nice smile, I hope she likes it.

Ooh.

Oh darn.

Looks like she doesn't.

I blow her a kiss as Jared draws closer. And she just  _hates_  me. And then she's gone. God I feel victorious.

By the way I've been focusing on her while Jared is silently sneaking through underbrush yelling my name. Like I hear him getting closer but only by his voice. Who the- since when can anyone walk silent through the woods at night!? He's a vampire now. Secretly.

Or this is like a skinwalker or a wendigo situation.

Oh fuck THIS COULD BE A-

"Bella! What're you doing -" Ooh thank goodness it's actually Jared I. He seems  _weird_. His eyes are wide and his nostrils are flared and ohmygawd I don't smell like pee right?

Man.

He should put a shirt on he's shaking right now. I mean me too it's cold AF over here but his shit is violent.

"S-sorry man," whooo! Oh that adrenaline is gone and I'm  _tired_. "I f-fuh-fell in the st-stream."

"Are you hurt?"

I shake my head no.

"Were you... alone? "

I nod yes.

He doesn't like that.

"Ok, uhh, camp is back that way I gotta, uh." And then he just leaves me there. Ok I know I'm lying and I know he doesn't know I am BUT WHAT IF I WAS LYING what kind of jerk would. Jared, of all people! I'd expect something like this from Paul but  _Jared!?_

Ugh.

Fuggin dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh they'll be friends I'm sure. Everything is fine. 
> 
> On episode two of Sabrina the TeenAngst Witch. Still having fun!


	22. It's like the worst game of Hide and Seek

Just a few months left and I'll be done with school forever.

Dad's been really on my ass about it too. I'm cutting it close, what with the amount of skipping and general screwing around I do when it comes to school and any work thereof. Nevermind the year I missed after father went  **pow!**  or that I got held back for exactly what dad's been on my ass about.

Should I feel more ashamed to be as old as I am finishing up my secondary education? Probably. But do I?

Heck no.

Literally no-one else cares. It's just not an issue.

Not like Jared. Now, of my older male friends he's my favorite. Yes, even more than Sam. I have to take Sam with a grain of salt cuz he dates Leah and nobody will ever be good enough for her in my eyes because she's wonderful and perfect and deserves only the best BUT!

Jared had never been fool enough to attempt pursuing a relationship with my immediate friend circle, he'd avoided that specific brand of my many forms of wrath. Heck, I just outright preferred him. He taught me the joy of video games! Starting with the SNES and then N64 and to be honest he never actually got more than those two but still.

He's nice and mild and always seemed to excel at tolerating me.

And then this past camping trip.

Ever since we've gotten back from it I swear he's begun stalking me. It's not creepy just quite yet but it  _is_  super annoying. Just keeps an eye on me. And I know, I know, I'm literally paranoid but I fuggin promise I'm not exaggerating he's  _everywhere_.

Especially if I so happen to be in that square of everywhere.

And dad has. I know he's been weird about camping for months now but after this trip I thought it would. Die down, something.

He sat me down alone, took my hands in his, looked me in the eye, and told me in the heaviest tone I've ever heard taint his voice that I cannot go back to the field.

I'm not gonna say dad's the least serious man but I've  _never ever_  seen him this serious. I  _listened_  to him. That's how serious it was.

I dunno. Jus weird. Everything is weird.

I can't stop thinking about her. I probably should. But when my mind wanders I think of her glaring eyes. When I see a vibrant shade of lipstick I think of her glorious jawline painted in crimson.

I like, want to write poetry for her. Fuggin.  _Lame!_  God I'm a loser.

_Tch!_

Jared found me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost had a heart attack at work tonight. I got flirted with. By the girl I've been crushing on HARD since she first started in my area. I thought I was going to pass out I was very overwhelmed.


	23. I could literally be doing anything else

I have to drive through part of the town to head towards work every night. It's not a bad drive, bout twenty minutes. Well. Kind of exactly, actually.

Eighteen on a good day, twenty two on a bad.

But yeah, usually twenty.

When it's not raining I can roll down my window and feel the almost comfortable wind. Somehow it's slightly warmer when I get off than when I go in. It's nice tonight.

The radio in my car is the nicest part of it. Only nice part of it, really. Allows me to crank my tunes.

It's kinda weird. Uhh, so. It feels like um. Someone's been following me for like a week and a half. It's not Jared. I don't think it's Jared.

They follow me in a car. It starts at the edge of town. It ends when I cross over into the Rez.

I thought it was a cop the first two nights. It's not. No lights on top. I mean it could be one I guess but I really doubt it. It just. It's. Probably a murderer.

It's pretty creepy. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I carry a knife on me. I'm not quite certain it'd help in the worst case scenario but in the best case I.

Uh.

Maybe I should tell someone it makes me

Oh. Oh hey! They're passing me that's. Not good not good notgoodohSHI-

Th-this fucking,  _Crazy_  fother mucker just cut me off! They fuggin. This is not an action film you can't just park your car in front of people it's not ok! What kind kind of freak?

...

No. Nonono.  _No_.

What is going

_Why_  would

"Oi!" This is  _bullshit_. "Are you following me-"

"I don't appreciate you breaking the treaty every night." I. Ok. Question mark? Fuggin. I don't. What is this even about? It's like  _four_. I can get in two hours of sleep if I hurry home and eat quick enough. I don't have time for this shit. I'm sure I'd enjoy it but.

I uh. Should probably tell her that instead of staring. Funny enough, she's prettier when I'm sober. Good to know.

"I love. When you talk to me, and uh, then I don't have any actual fucking clue what you're saying."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Hmm, ahh, bark, uh, woof woof, that a little clearer?" Oh. Really? Friggin. I cannot even  _begin_  to even.

"I, I just can't get over, hahahow much fun it is, these little.  _Fun_  things we do. Gosh you are just  _so pretty_. Good job stalking me from work every morning, by the way! Is that a side job or is this as good as it gets for you?"

"You're just lucky I don't kill you-"

"Fuckin do it then!"

Maybe.

I shouldn't.

Keep antagonizing her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm. Welcome to their relationship it's going to be a lot like this.


	24. Gettin real sick of this

There's a McDonald's in Port Angeles. It's twenty four hours and usually I'm pretty good at ignoring my grumbling tummy when I get off work until I get home but sometimes ya just crave heart stopping grease and half-hearted effort slapped between two slightly toasted buns!

Wth no onions. Like, why the onions? It'd be one thing if they were whole pieces but they're tiny little bastard chunks adhered to the bread with liters of fuggin ketchup. It's NOT ok. Chill out SickDonald's.

So Yeah. I figure since the Murder Model has yet to murder me I could try it myself with fast food.

It does take me like forty minutes longer to get home though. It's kinda shitty tonight. Not raining super hard but it's misty as shit. My truck is stubborn like an ornery old mule, but her eyes are tired. So I'm driving kinda slow, right?

I'm going like twenty in a thirty five.

You ever just be driving and like, a curb comes up and you get the weirdest most irresistible urge to hit the gas and cut the wheel and just kinda let the universe take control?

Literally every other night I get hit with that on the way home. Can't be safe. It's gotta be a bad sign right? Maybe I'm suicidal and I just never realized it. Like I don't really bottle emotions or issues I just kinda ignore em til they go away. Works pretty well.

Maybe I'm weird.

Hmm...

Probably.

Oh here comes the curb! WhatINTHEactualFUCK

"Oh just fuggin  _kill me_  already!" Bitch I will lay on this horn. I mean that literally. I don't care who lives close I don't care that it's five I will DO IT. "OI!" I forgo rolling the window down this time to just throw my door open and jump out. "We're gonna fight, right here, right now!"

I'm almost entirely certain this is the worst idea I've ever had but.

She is literally just parked in the road.

I haven't seen her in like a week. I suppose that doesn't matter right now but I just sorta forgot about her, because I was  _trying_  to forget her. Because screw her and her stupid pretty face and how she storms away all dramatic an shit. Fuggin. Fuggyuuu bish.

"You better get outta that vehicle or," or what? Err, Oh! "I'll fuggin scratch the ISH out of it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So honestly that curb thing? Me a hundred percent every night I get off work. It's this one turn and like a ditch is right next to it and my secret terrible heart which is just Emperor Palpatine like "Do it". Can't afford a new car tho so.


	25. This conversation should NOT end with a smile

Ok so like.

It's not her, right?

But I didn't know that.

And I might have scratched the car.

Just a little.

This. Fuggin. Dude. Ok so he's honestly the prettiest boy I've ever seen. Like, yeah it's the modern era, handsome women and beautiful men are fine and good and normal but like. I swear he's got makeup on. He's gotta be wearing like eyeliner or something.

I thought only dudes in bands wore eyeliner!

It's not bad. It's not intimidating.

And I'm just like, still digging my house keys into the hood of his car. I suppose the first clue this wasn't her was the fact this is a different car.

And I cannot stress enough that his makeup is not intimidating.

But I'm like. I could comfortably shit my pants and not feel like that's an overreaction to him getting out of the car. The look he level on me. I'm just. It's very.

"... I should not have done that."

He blinks. Twice. Ever feel like someone does something slowly and exaggerating-ly for your benefit? That's those blinks. He kinda smiles then, a little charming lopsided thing that for some reason makes me think of Seth.

"No. You probably shouldn't have."

And then he squints at me. Cocks his head.  _Sniffs?_  The fuggin, what?

"You... Aren't a natural born Quilette."

I.

_Well_.

Think I'll just go ahead and dig my keys back into his hood.

He winces at the absolutely fantastic shriek of sound. But maybe it's something in my eyes that stops him from even trying to stop me. He just looks at me, I just look at him.

"You don't know who I am-"

"You're related to her, I'm guessing." Yeah I'm sure it'd be super duper über goober fun to listen to him state facts that just kinda piss me off. "It's good to know all of you antagonize strangers at night. Are you guys like, secretly werewolves or what? Actually no, I don't care. Stop. Fucking. With. Me.  _Kay?_ "

I reached into the deepest darkness of my inner teenage angst for that  _Kay?_  by the way. I tapped into my inner white girl like I never have before. I'm pretty sure I just used the equivalent of female Jedi mind magic. And all of my tolerance for pumpkin anything.

"Her name is Rosalie." Did I mention I was walking away? Cuz I super was. Not-So-Kate-Moss had basically stormed off every time I saw her and I dunno it rubbed off on me getoffmyback _Mom!_

It's not like I stopped or turned back to squint at him. I would never do that.

"She likes you."

...

YeeeahNO, no not dealing with this. Screw you guy, I'm going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Edward, by the way. Probs didn't make that clear.


	26. It's how I help them live longer

Going on two weeks without a sighting of the Midnight Models.

I'm getting anxious.

And NO I do NOT miss them! Her. Them. I don't actually know him. Her!

It's just. Like. I dunno. Sam and the Cult are annoying as fuck. It's not just Jared anymore, like, Leah is getting weirdly suspicious of me with the amount of time Sam has been spending with me. But the bros are always there with us so she knows it's not weird.

Except it's super weird and it feels like they're suspicious of me?

It's getting warmer and warmer but the beach is overrun with cutlery cockroaches so I don't really retreat there. I can't go to the field cuz. Ya know. Dad an stuff. I mean yeah I could do it anyway it just.

Dunno. Too serious to Heck with.

I've got weeks left of school, I'm scraping by and it's making me antsy. I don't even know why, by the way, just does. It's like everything is just settling on my shoulders and usually I shrug that shit off but I just. It's weird everything is weird and I don't wanna be around them right now.

My family.

I need to leave so I can miss them before I have to kill them you see.

I have weekends off work. It's pretty perfect. Get to sleep in. It's basically the only time I really get any good sleep, honestly. I think today's a good day to go to the mall. I'm not really fond of shopping but, like I says, I'll kill em if I don't get space.

There's a book store. I think they got a barcade somewhere. I might be imagining this. I dunno.

Literally anything would be better than having these circus sideshow giant freaks helicopter hover around.

Plus I've been saving up cash recently since I haven't been camping like crazy or really doing much of anything because I'm a lame-o and don't have a life or friends really outside of my pack of hoodlums.

It's fine I'm fine.

I'd bring Seth but his birthday is soon and I wanted to get him something. I'm thinking the Alien films. Or as many Mad Max movies as I can find. Oh! Or the original Omens! Ooh those were fun. Or the Predators. Shit. All of them is too much I know it is.

Maybe cool socks.

Choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cuz I've been busy i felt i should add a few chapters


	27. I've got a bad feeling and I don't know why

Burritos are amazing. It's like a hug for your food for your mouth! Perfection.

I'm gonna get myself a candle. I feel like I've really accomplished a lot and deserve a treat. And nothing calms me more than spending minutes of eternity smelling candles. Those Yankee Candle workers are about to get very tired of me.

But after this 'rrito of course. Chorizo is love, chorizo is life.

"Excuse me?" Probably not talking to me. I mean look around at the... So I'm antisocial and sitting as far away from other people as possible. I have a massive mouthful of peppers and onions right now, by the way, so super timing on that front.

On the other hand, and this is just to show you I'm shallow, she's very cute. Like so cute. Like the cutest. I'm sitting down and this girl is barely taller than me. She's tiny and precious and I kind of want to hug her.

I should probably say words instead of just staring at her.

_Huh. She seems kinda familiar..._

"Uhh, what?" Smooth. Reeeaaal smooth. She doesn't even flinch at my unintentional assholery.

"Would you mind if I sat with you?"

Uuuuhhh. Hmm. I wonder if

No, looks like the majority of the tables around us are still very empty and very not-where-I'm-sitting. I mean, she looks familiar but not in a way that would be indicative of - I've never met her, ok? I'd remember if I had. She's not familiar in that way it's more like she. Like her features are very.

"Uhm," I follow a swallow of burrito I probably should have chewed some more with a few gulps of jamaica. Lift one shoulder and let it drop in a shrug. "Go for your life."

She's practically sparkling. This like some  _Bing! Anime!_  shit right here. There's never a good enough reason for a person to be this happy and I've been that happy I'd like to think. Well, probably not, but I've got goals!

My most ambitious one, and if you tell a soul I'll fuggin  ** _kill you_** , is to have an orgasm like a super cute anime high school girl. I need tears and drool and sweat pouring down my face, I need hearts for pupils, I genuinely crave that unimaginable satisfaction.

I said I've got goals, not that they were admirable.

"Hi," whoa you put your hand real close to my face. Like dang girl you could boop my nose if you leaned forward even a breath. "I'm Alice. Want to be friends?"

"Oh!" I'm still eating by the way. My life is struggle. Hullo and welcome to my struggle bus. "Um. No. Not really."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I know what you're all thinking, you don't have to say it.... What kind of magical fairytale food court in a mall would carry a burrito place that not only serves chorizo BUT also serves jamaica? None that I've ever been to but I'm allowed to fantasize!
> 
> also no not jamaica as in Jamaica the place, jamaica as in ha-my-kuh, hibiscus tea that you can usually find at any legit taqueria. It's soooooo good.


	28. Saying 'I'll be back' would be cheesy and untrue

Whoops.

Maybe I could have put that another way. I'm not a mean person, usually. I have my moments, as most people do, but generally speaking I'm only an ass to people I like!

And people that annoy me.

And people I'm trying to annoy.

And every piece of cutlery I've ever run into.

Ohshit, I might be mean!

I wasn't trying to spare her feelings I really don't want to be friends with her but she. She looks so disappointed. And not at me, at  _herself_. It's like a spanked dog. All sad and apologetic. Like, yes, he shit on the carpet, but look at dat widdle baby puppy face! Sooooooooo cute.

Ugh. I'm gonna regret this. Better talk with half a mouthful so she knows that, though I'm committed almost entirely to finishing my food - candles await! - I'm still a human that knows how to human with other humans.

"Hi Alish," I have a hand over my mouth so it's not a see-food situation. Dad raised me better than this I know he did. I blame that pack of beasts I call family. Obviously they did this to me. Bastards. "Mu dyad, hrm, alshways said-"

"Not to talk to strangers?" yes yes that exactly thank you pretty person! She was smiling again, less I'm-on-coke-happy, something softer. Hesitant? Hmm. Whatevs. Ooh! All the hot sauce pooled in this end of the 'rrito! Fuggyes. "Sounds like a good dad."

MM! Yup, yus he is. A great dad.

And I could spew that and lukewarm, hot sauce drenched beans at her orrrr

I nod.

Chew swallow. Sip my tea.

"I feel pretty confident in calling him one of the best," I even spare her a smile. No need to be unpleasant when I'm gathering trash in my arms. "I'm very sorry Alice, I'm sure you're perfectly wonderful, but I've got a previous engagement. It was nice to meet you."

See? Even I have the capacity for kindness in me. I can be charming!

When I feel like it.

It helps that this girl didn't touch me beforehand and has never trespassed on my beach. And hasn't chased me down like a dog to nip at my heels and beg for attention-

"Uum!" Uh oh. Mighta spoke too soon. "I, ah, Err... I didn't catch your name!"

Oh! Oh dang I've never, this is perfect oh man if I don't trip over my feet right now!

Lemme just sidle on up to the trashcans. Deposit my filth, brush crumbs off, stick the turn on my heel and smile,

"I didn't offer it." And wave over my shoulder as I walk away. Fuggin action hero right now. Bella Swanzenegger over here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii Ren! Welcome to our club WELCOMESQUIDWARDWELCOMESQUIDWARDWELCOMESQUIDWARDWELCOMESQUIDWARDWELCOMESQUIDWARD


	29. I mean I've heard of adult puberty but damn

I got him one of each. First Alien, second Mad Max, the third Omen. Basically my favorites.

And socks with gangster sloths on it.

I'm gonna watch with him and give him facts n shit. He's the only one that puts up with me. He's like, genuinely interested in my bull.

Such a good boy. Tis why I spoil and love he.

I found a project for Jacob!

I feel like an ass cuz. I dunno I haven't been hanging with him and the QuilEmbry duo as much lately. It's not even that I'm busy I just feel like I'm being overwhelmed by the Uley Muscle Cult a lot lately and. I'm a bad big sister. I suck.

So Yeah, project! Summer project, fun fun on a bun. It's some motor cycles in  _salvageable_  condition I saw on the side of the road. He'll love em. And while I'm a useless moron in the garage I'm not terrible company if I do say so myself! And I do, dangit!

Leah has grown.

She's always been like an inch an a half taller than me but she's  _grown_  recently. Like. Really abnormal sorta shit. Some girls get thick with two c's a little later in life than others and this is  _not_  that. She's like six feet tall right now.

She's grown four inches in like a week an a half.

Now, I haven't measured her per say but how the fuggin Heck could I miss this kind of growth? I'm a loser but I'm not losing my  _sight_.

I'm a little pissed, to be honest. Like.  _Really_  pissed.

As if I needed any reminding that I'm not as tall as my pack! The pack? MMm, nah they're mine.

STILL!

This bitch went and grew on me, who just does something like that!?

Ugh!

Still no sightings. Haven't seen that Alice chick since my excursion. Still kinda don't but kinda do feel bad about the whole  _No Thanks_  thing. She really did seem nice, if a little forward. But like that's fine I need friends that aren't afraid to fuggin be real. I mean, I don't, I have so many of them but still.

We're gonna have a Bonfire soon.

No, not a bonfire, a  _Bonfire_. It's different see, cuz one is between the pack an me and the other is basically a family reunion between a bunch of the geezers and most of us - me an the pack, obvs - and our families and junk. It's not bad. We eat food and the geezers tell tribe legends.

Every few years we have it.

We had it last year.

I mean I  _Do_  think it's weird we're having it again this year but free food amirite?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ren, Ren baby, YOU are a mood. Tbh, I'd happily accept it, ya girl broke af over here. ;3 
> 
> anywho, anyone else notice I'm fucking with the timeline and ages? Huhuhu here's this, enjoy folks or, G-A-S-P, fucking don't and GET MAD ABOUT IT lawlawlawl, lemme know ya thoughts! ;*;*


	30. Ummm, I'm definitely a mythological creature thank you

I need to get my priorities straight.

Like. Sam and the Cult surprised me with airplane bottles of liquor. Those bastards. They know I can't resist throwing down at a Bonfire!

I mean, yeah I seriously love them, any chance I can get to smell like campfire is the best chance to smell like campfire. But also the geezers are fuggin  _insufferable_  sometimes. Especially at these. So Yeah in the past few years we, as the pack of wild brats that we are, have found ways to have fun with the geriatrics.

I'm almost entirely certain dad knows we sneak alcohol - he gives me  _The Look_  - but he just kinda harrumphs and drinks his beer.

I LOVE our tribe legends, by the way. They're wicked cool. It's kinda Van Helsing-y. Fuggin vampires and werewolves duking it out. Tale as old as time sorta shit.

Now I believe in vampires and werewolves, but I'm not too sure about our tribe being one or both of those. The crypt keepers couldn't be. Dad's definitely not...

Leah could be one.

The others are a bunch of pansies. Well. Not Seth, Seth is perfect and wonderful and delicate and precious. I love my brother but he's too much of a dork. Embry and Quil can't be, they're almost professional chefs that are going to open a restaurant or  _sohelpme_. So Yeah they can't be wolves cuz I won't  _let_  them.

Paul.

Pfft. I slap him on a daily basis you can't tell me he'd take that shit like a bitch?

...

Damn he might be a wolf.

I should ask him sometime.

Jared definitely isn't, Sam's too much of a Nice Guy to be an angry moon pupper... I could be a wolf. I love nature and meat and night. Oh shit. OHmuhgoodness.

"Dad," ohSHI- jeez I need to not fuggin. Trip n shit. "Dad listen." He was talking to Uncle Harry - I waved. He waved back. Also Auntie Sue was passing by so I squeeeeezed the Heck outta her - about, I dunno, somethin. "Dad!" I leaned down to whisper in his ear. "DadIthinkI'mawerewolf."

UM whoa! What the Hecking Heckity Heck dad! Jeez and crackers!

He just spit beer on me!

"Noooo, dad!" Harry's  _laughing_  at me! This is  _Not_  funny! I can't I can't fuggin  _believe_  this. Ew! Just ew! So lame! "Why why would you-"

UGH it got on my mouth! Plbbbt ppfuh, ugh, oh gawd, poppa why!?

"B-Buh-Bella you,  _what_  did you just say?"

I love dad but gawd, seriously. Cannot even fuggin UGH ughughugh, gotta scrub my mouth on my shirt collar. Jesus please us man this is.

"Bella."

"I'm a werewolf dad!"

"Bella-"

"You can't say I'm not dad you don't have proof!"

... Oh yeah lift a brow at  _me_. He's. Is he laughing at me? I know he's not he better not be.

"Have you ever turned into a wolf during a full moon?" I don't like the way Harry poses that question. It's very much sounding like he's another non believer.

"... That's just a myth it means nothing to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bella's such a rational human being. 
> 
> Ren I'll have you know I don't make mistakes I create GENIUS. Lawlawl, thank you sir you're quite kind.


	31. But at least there will be a beast of a feast

Emily is gonna be in town soon! I'm so excited, Embry and Quil are gonna prepare a mega feast. Emily will, naturally, rise to their challenge and it's gonna be wild.

It's gonna be right around the time I graduate!

Sam and Leah are kinda tense right now. I don't know what's up, they're being stubborn asses. It's super annoying.

About as annoying as the fact that Leah joined the Cult. She's been rubbing it into my face too. She put me  _In A Headlock_. I wanted to murder her, but she's now stronger than me. Damn beastly woman!

It's nearly to the point that I'm tempted to waste my time and money on that damn prison workout. If only to reclaim my title of Baddest Bitch on the Rez.

Unofficial title of course. I also answer to Jesus Bella, any derivative of Bear, Izzy, and Daddy.

Daddy's my official title.

I miss the Models. Yes even that dude that fuggin Hecked with the wrong me. Every day that drags by without another sighting tempts me to hop in my vehicular and fuggin tear through Forks looking for his car. To "apologize".

Yeah No I just wanna see Kate Moss.

And yes I am refusing her name. A lady shant holler back girl at another lady without asking of her name. That's like number eight on my top ten personal rules hmkay? It's serious business.

So Yeah I wanna talk to Prettiest Boy about sexy deer murderer and see if maybe I could get her to insult me a little sometime when she's free.

It's not weird.

 _You're_  weird!

It's just it's fun ok! She gets really into it and I don't really get the dog thing but it's a good selling point! I am a bit of a bitch, when I'm not being a loser, and she might actually be a model see it's all connected! Funny cuz it's true sorta shit.

I made her smile like once and that was pretty rad but to be completely honest, living my best life really includes pissing her off again, I've quite enjoyed doing it. And not just because the last time she stormed away the headlights of her car illuminated the goodness, the godliness, the gloriousness that is the globe of her ass.

Oh.

Muh.

GAWD.

Anyway that has  _nothing_  to do with it.

I like. I mean  _genuinely_.

I  _miss_  her.

Ew I'm gross stick a Fork in-NOPE nevermind the cutlery cockroaches might sense a joke at their expense and come scuttling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a lot of rhyming in that title. It was unintentional except for some of it. 
> 
> Cody glad to have you back, and yis occasionally i too howl at the moon. I plead the fifth kind human, if Bella's got a mild case of my ADHD it's purely coincidental. And thank ye kindly for your lovely words, I hope to continue entertaining!


	32. Usurper!

I.

Am officially.

A High School graduate!

BOOM! FUGGIN SEE ME NOW BITCH!

I'm an adult in almost every sense! I can join the military and kill for God gold and glory, I can and do pay taxes, I can and also have to pay for health and car insurance.

I'm a gawd dangin fother muckering adult.

I'M GONNA GET FUCKING TRASHED.

And Emily's making dinner so I'm super much very excite. She got here yesterday so she even got to come see me graduate! I missed her. She's like the big sister I wanted. I mean, I love my big sisters but they can both be twenty pound bags of twat.

And I mean that with all the love in my Adult Body.

I'm feelin myself on this like I need to run or something. I I need to

Ohmuhgawd, it's time. It is fucking time. I'm going to the field. Not to camp!

I. I know l said I wouldn't. I promised and it's really actually incredibly shitty that I'm breaking this but I swear I'm not gonna stay I just need an hour ok? I'm not. I'm not gonna stay it doesn't really count dad doesn't have to know I'll just.

He doesn't have to know.

It's really nice today. It's not raining! I mean yeah clouds but no rain!  _All I can say is that my life is_ , yeah no I'm not doing this. Seriously though, it's nice, and the drive feels like my winter quilt. Apparently my grandmother made it. I wouldn't know I never met her.

Anyway, seriously it's über comforting I'm so glad I decided to ig- _ignore_  dad after. I promised.

Ugh.

I'm gonna feel like garbage for this.

I just miss it! I miss it like I miss yon holler back girl. Maybe if I find coke Kate Moss will show up? MM, better not. It's fine I'm fine, I'm almost there and I get to smell the smells of my favorite space to exist.

And maybe if I'm lucky the sun will come out, like the Universe's way of saying,  _Sup guuurl I see you rockin on this fine ass day and here is your gift for not flunking out of school!_...

Not saying I think I'm so special but still.

What if she's there? That would be too sweet there's no way.

But like.

What if she's there tho? Like that'd be choice AF I'm just sayin. I have absolutely no reason to be excited enough to not feel a little queasy over breaking my promise cuz she's definitely NOT gonna be there so I'm just. Jus not gonna do that thing that I said I wouldn't.

_Butlikewhatifshe's_

Umm.

...

Seriously? I wasn't asking for much, Universe. FUGGYOU.

Ugh! 

This freak. I don't even KNOW him and he's. I don't know where his car is but I'ma scratch the living burning Heck out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohmygod did Edward just soil the sanctity of her sanctuary!? I think he did the mother fucker!


	33. Because I can't skip out on Emily

"Oi! What, are you doing, in my SWAMP!?"

How fuggin dare he laugh that's not a joke.

I mean it is but I'm not using it as one and if he can't tell that I'll fuggin show him what for.

"Good to see you Bella!" Just waves like we're old friends. No. NononoNO No no  **NO**. How fuggin dare you sir how  _whomst_  I'm gonna oouuhh he's gonna

"You're dead fother mucker!  _DEAD!_ " Oh just you WAIT till I get my hand on HOOOOO I'm gonna. "This is MY field!  _Mine!_ " I just slapped a hand to my chest so hard it made me cough.

"I don't-"

"NO! You don't GET to interrupt me! I've peed on that tree! I've buried shit in a hole on the far side of this field! I allow white people on my beach BUT THIS IS  _MY_   ** _FUCKING_**  FIELD!"

I'm so I can't fucking think right now I taste blood blood If she'd been here with blood that'd be diff I don't I don't  _Idon'twanttosharewithyouifyoudon'tgetout_

"I'm sorry." he's. Standing up now. Hands raised, placating. "I didn't know. I'm sorry." Don't you  _dare_  approach- he's stopped approaching me. Still placating. "Rosalie mentioned this meadow-" Field it's a field meadows are for movies Stop  _smiling_  at me you creep! "-and I was curious. I didn't mean to intrude."

I'm seriously.

Overreacting right now.

Like I'm panting, my heart is pounding I need to. Need to chill. I'm not like the P90X cult I'm not angry enough to shake and. I need to. I'm really. I didn't.

"I'm sorry. It's not. Fuggin I'm just a little. Wacked right now. I'm really sorry man I didn't mean to.-" Wait a hot sweaty second. "You... Called me Bella."

How did he know my name? I mean maybe Kate Moss mentioned me but she doesn't seem the type that just doesn't.

"You're not, like, stalking me are you?" He laughs. It's a pretty laugh. He could be a singer or an actor I bet. Probably is. Looks the artsy fartsy type. Bet he plays piano and draws with charcoal the fuggin artistic pretty boy! And  _Why_  is he laughing!

"N-no no I, I'm no st-stahahalking you," maybe chill before you choke there. "You seem kind of... paranoid, if you don't mind my saying." I do but. "You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you it was coincidental. Well. The first time was curiosity."

"So this is the stage before stalking then? Good good to know. You'll take me to dinner, Err, lunch first at least?"


	34. I dunno, maybe I should change my ways?

His name is Edward and he's surprisingly good company. And as I state this, acknowledging it as fact, I hate myself. He's nice he's so nice, and like, considerate and stuff? It's like he knows what I'm gonna say sometimes, the way he finishes my thought or sentence.

I hate how much I like him.

I have his  _number_. He does play the piano by the way, fuggin called it bitch. But honestly his taste in music is choice. I've met no-one that actually knows about Hop Along or Cayetana. Nevermind the fact he suggested bands to me  _and they Rock._

It's not fair. I'm not supposed to like humans I don't know, ya know?

I dunno. Makes me think, that besides like three coworkers I genuinely love with all my heart, maybe I should  _actually_  try to make friends. Like, with the townspeople. I know I know, crazy right? I'm going from loser to losing my fuggin mind.

But I just, like, what if there are others that aren't insufferable in the fork drawer?

I'm literally going crazy.

I might need to talk to the old dudes cuz my wolfiness is getting out of wack.

I dunno. It's weird. He did buy me lunch and he didn't eat - totally think that if he's related to Her, he probably eats raw animals throat first - but he made me laugh. I dunno, I just dunno.

Dinner is soon and I can't wait to get to the Clearwater household! Emily's gonna be there, Seth obviously so I get to spoil he boy, Spam's gonna be there, Auntie and Uncle, it's gonna be great I can't wait til I.

What the Hecking Heck.

"Leah," I probably almost break my fuggin keys how quickly I throw the truck into park, yank them out and hurry out of the cab and across the grass an gravel to her. "Leah bubeee, sweets, honey, what's going on."

This is not a question.

This is not a drill.

All six foot I'll-kick-your-ass pounds of her is/are (I don't care enough right now to figure out or know which is grammatically correct, thanks) bent over at the waist and she's openly sobbing. Shaking and crying and heaving with the shaking-crying.

Amidst the wild whole body tremors she manages to shake her head  _No_  at me.

And that's not what I fucking asked.

"Leah, love, dear heart," I curl one hand around the nearest shaking shoulder. Not tight enough to hurt but her head just jerks my way and. "What's going on."

It's still not a question.

Her visible eye squeezes shut and more t- _tears_. Leah should probably answer me.  _Now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is finally happening. Am getting to meat!
> 
> Antinaka, I'm a little farther North of Texas, unfortunately. Because the chorizo burrito jamaica triad doth not exist in my mall food court. Nah I'm in NC, i get my chorizo burritos with jamaica from taquerias on the far side of town.


	35. ........

"S. S-s-suh-ah-ah-ahm, S-Sam hu-he, he just-"

I'm going to kill him. I'm going to  _Kill Him_. I warned him. I. Fucking.  _Warned_. Him. I don't care what he just did. He's dead DEAD.

"Leah, wait I," wrong move mother fucker. You shoulda stayed in that house now I know where you are "Oh! Bella I-"

I'm really good at punching people.

I've got good form.

Dad and the boys have taught me for years, in case a day might come when they're not there to be the unnecessary backup I've never needed. We've practiced.

I'm ready.

I unleash absolute unholy woman fury upon his face.

There's.

There's a sound it's it's very ssh, sharp I I don't like a, like a piercing shriek like like like a  _ring_  like

"YOU BASTARD!" I can barely feel the way my vocal chords give under the scream. The barest tickle. I grab at him with the hand I can feel, it's not easy. He's shirtless. Honestly I more or less just paw at his throat because man I can't really use my other hand and that's not important.

Leah's crying and he did it.

_**Iwarnedhim.** _

I'll.

"What did you do WHAT'D YOU DO!?" he's getting mad and that's good I want him mad I want him furious he better be fuggin.

Somethingreallyhurtsveryincrediblybadly

Distantly, Leah is shouting. Someone else, Auntie maybe.

"You don't EVER FUCKING MAKE HER CRY!"

I slap him and hard, with my good handwhyisitagoodhandIreallydon't

I'm not sure.

I really don't know it's really something is really very ow Ow OW it's So  _mad_  at him he did this and it hurts hurtsHurtsHURTS

I.

Don't understand.

It smells like Father and. Something sweet on my tongue.

Something.

Crying.

_Screaming_.

I don't Sam he's not he's really not looking so good he

Oh God ohmuhgawd he's what's  _wrong_  with him he's fuck Fuck

FUUU ** _UUU_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un short boy for ye all.


	36. That definitely wasn't Winnie the Pooh

WHOAWHATHEFU

where

Where am

What's. It's really. My fuggin. My eye my head. My  _everything_. It hurts.

I'm. Really thirsty an I just just want some.

Where am I what's

This.

This is a hospital room. What am- I'm in a fucking hospital bed what the Heck what the fuggin Heck I. I-I don't. I don't understand what's. This isn't right I'm not I was just

That can't be my heartbeat I'm not in a hospital it's a dream it's a

" _Bella!_ " Jake! Oh Jake my sweet boy oh my son he's OW. THAT.

That hurt. What's FU

THththat f-ffuggin hurt.

"Jacob," that hurts too but not as much as my f-face it's really.  _Ow_. Why does itLEAH "Jake, Leah and Sam -"

"They're ok," he seems so nervous and that means a lot to me but it's really very hard to focus. Oh, oooh sweet boy why is he crying? Oh he's such a pansy I love him, dear thing let me hug you. "Bella, you-"

"Hey hey, I'm ok! A little bit sore but," my hand is definitely broken, according to the cast, and my  _face_  really fuggin hurts. "I'm alive."

"Do you," seriously Jakie boy why are you hesitating like this? "Remember what happened?"

Trick question.

Yes I basically do.

But I also had to have hit my head because I'm pretty sure my whole life flashed before my eyes and then I watched Sam turn into a giant wolf so.

There's that.

"Not... really."

He blows out a breath, doesn't release his grip on me the sweet thing.

"Leah and Sam got in a bad fight and when you found out you ran into the woods to calm down," I'm sorry, what? "...there was a bear." I'm sorry  _What?_

That's not what, are they did they  _lie_  about. I mean what I think happened isn't much more plausible but.

He takes my silence as a sign to continue,

"Harry heard you scream and came running with a gun. We're just lucky it didn't. K- _kill_  you." Lucky  _Sam didn't kill me_  that wasn't a bear that wasn't I.

I mean it's possible my brain latched onto the only thing that made sense or it misconstrued some things because brains are weird mine especially and I was angry but I really. It seems, it seemed  _so real_.

"Is Harry ok?"

"He's fine Bella everyone is fine you're the only one that-"

...that what?

"...got hurt. " hmm. Could be worse I suppose.

"Uhm, is there like. Water. Or a doctor or something?" My face  _really_. What happened to " ...a mirror, maybe? "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my plan from day one by the way. says
> 
> Apparently I've got the kind of veins phlebotomists dream about. So. Yeah.


	37. But I could be dead so this is... Ok?

Dad visits.

Jake's there like all the time.

Seth visits.

Leah and the boys do not.

Now, see, I'm not a fan of that. In fact, it pretty much infuriates me. Whatever happened was, I mean not to blame a  _Bear Attack_  on them but

If

The boot

_Fits_.

And they don't even fuggin visit me! Like, what the Hecking Heck is that all about? You You don't just... EDWARD VISITS ME. I fuggin met him twice and I wasn't even pleasant the first time we meet but but he. They just  _don't_  visit.

It would have been kinder to kill me.

That's not fair to think, I guess. I mean, there's no guessing it's really fuggin Hecked to say or think things like that but it's just so... If any of them had been in my shoes I would have probably ended dead as a doornail, Err, doorstop, uh, d-doorknob?

...

Dead as a doorwhatever by now from hunting down the bear to skin it and eat it's heart!

The don't even fucking text me. Not a call. None of them uses Facebook but I'd be willing to bet that if they did they wouldn't even post on my wall. I mean, I don't actually use it either but still.

It's pretty disappointing but more than that it.

Kinda sorta.

Really fuggin.

Hurts.

Guess it doesn't matter, not like it has a chance to matter. My hand is broken and my face is fucked but I'm not injured enough to stay there long.

I get time off work, which like duh, but that's worse cuz now I have nothing to look forward to and half of my best friends are avoiding me.  _Leah_  avoids me.

On the other hand my slowly healing mug has taken pressure off my shoulders I never even realized was there! I guess I'm not an entirely typical teen, but I won't be a teen come this autumn so. Ha hah!

I've never really worried about my looks, not consciously anyway. It never seemed important or pressing as far as matters I deal with. If people found me attractive good for them! I wasn't trying to attract anyone I

I  _won't_  be attracting anyone.

Not any more.

I know they're fresh, still healing and. And it just. they're  _wicked_  looking.

I'm partially blind in one eye, by the way. Nothing hotter than a scarred up chick with one eye!

It hurts when I smile.

It hurts when I  _don't_.

The hand I broke was my masturbating hand too so. That's been fun.

I think I'm depressed. I keep thinking about my father. I don't remember his voice but I, sometimes I think I remember his laugh.

I miss him.


	38. I'd say we've got to stop meeting like this but...

~~~~

The bikes are coming along swimmingly. They should be just about as good as new by the end of the week.

Embry and Quil have been feeding me a lot. It's been nice. I mean yeah I'm still really fuggin butthurt over the pack dropping me but fuck em. The Three Stooges are good company and I've missed them.

I drag them into Port Angeles sometimes and get to watch them hard flex on everybody that stares at me. I really don't care about the looks, I mean I definitely don't like them but I do this for a reason.

I've got to live with this I can't run or pretend they aren't gonna be there for the rest of my life.

I'm gonna be half blind with a crooked look forever. Better get used to it, world!

I'm going back to the field.

I don't care anymore.

I've got days left for work leave and I haven't been since.

Ah. Sin-since The Bear.

I don't want my field to be associated with that confusion, or with Ed, even if he's sweet boy. My field is mine, that's what makes it special, because I love it and treat it as such. If I'm not there in it it's just a field, just grass and flowers and a lovely lonely tree.

Plus I deserve it.

And it's not like dad will stop me from going. He's been weird since I got back from the hospital.

Just wish I had beers or some wine. I could face a bottle of pinot noir right now and feel pretty good about my life choices. Too bad it'll never happen so long as Spam is avoiding me. Wish he could avoid me without taking away my LeedleLee.

Heck, I miss Paul at this point. I haven't had to monkey screech at anyone in weeks.

Oh muh gawd, could this have all been avoided if I'd monkey screeched?

Ugh! So stupid, I shoulda... Jared doesn't even follow me. I feel so. I'm not alone, I've got the Stooges, but I. It's like they're isolating me. I don't. I'm not.

I'm a bit of a coward, to be perfectly frank. Besides never liking someone enough to date them, I'm low-key  _terrified_  of dating. Having to commit and and giving as much of myself to another person, trusting that person, but, more than that, opening myself to the possibility of rejection it.

My own father killed himself.

I'm I'm a fu, I'm a fuggin loser what is I can't

I don't want to like or love someone, and it not nu-not be good enough an and they just.  _Leave_. It's  _Sooo_  stupid and I'm dumb and lame but my own  _fucking_  father...

Ugh.

I'm stupid and boring and lame.

Crying by myself in a field.

Such an asshole, if the boys could see me now...!

No wonder they dropped my ass like a bad habit.

I don't remember much between me assaulting Sam and storming off into the forest - actually I don't remember ANYTHING after assaulting Sam until I woke up in the hospital - but it makes sense. I attacked him. What kind of deranged asshole...

Me. My kind of deranged asshole.

"Bella." JESUSCHRISTMASTREEMOUSE

You CANNOT JUST sneak. up on a...

"Kate Moss."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired. Been a rough bit. Not writing, life. Wanted to post more but I been a little out of it. 
> 
> Piece of advice: don't put hands on a person without their permission. Just DON'T.


	39. Personal bubbles have been popped but that's ok I guess

She's not scowling.

That's the first thing that makes me tense.

By the way, I'd been laying on my back under the shade of the tree, staring up at the leaves when she tried to heart attack me. I'm propped up on my elbows, in the most puppy-dog belly-up submissive pose and she's.

She's not angry at me.

It feels like every single hair on my body is standing up.

She's not scowling she's not angry she's just really. Surprised and. And sad? I don'tWHOA SHE HAS NO CHILL. You can't just fuggin teleport to me I'm just a wee baby! Whoa hey she really needs to WHOAHEY

She

I She

She's just.

"Uh," she's touching me and I think my heart is going to explode. She's in my fuggin fother muckering lap and her ha-hands are on my face an and she's really.

"Who," I said she was so pretty to be so mean once but. She's way too pretty to croak like that. Like a frog with nodes. "Who  _did_  this?"

"A bear." There's no chance for me to stutter stumble lie. She's right there and her hands are cold and I'm honestly really fucking scared.

I think she might cry. I really don't want her to. She. I.

Her forehead presses against mine and her eyes are squeezed shut and her hands are shaking a bit. It honestly feels like she could crush my skull right now. Like my heart is  _pounding_.

"...'m 'ree."

"Ah, err, whu-what?"

" _I'm sorry!_ " Have you ever felt the urge to just kiss a person? No not in a romantic passionate sorta... I mean like, have you ever seen a person and they're so happy so so sad so, so very overcome with emotion that just seeing it overwhelms you and you're  _filled_  with

It's the weirdest, most sudden urge.

"Hey," I'm not gonna kiss her, jeez chill out! I just kinda slap my good hand over one of hers and she's. Really pretty. "It's  _not_  your fault I got angry I-" slapped and punched one of my best friends and got instant karma for it. "I'm alive."

_Oouf!_

She's kinds heavy. Not fat. I mean she could be fat. She's got way more ass and tits than I ever will. But she's heavy like a rock yo.

"Uh, hi, by the way," she doesn't smile but I'm trying to. "I'm Bella, what's your name?"

Her eyes half roll before they squeeze shut and she does scowl for moment. It disappears and she sighs and it's like the most bitter winter chill against my chapped lips.

"Rosalie. Nice to meet you."


	40. She could just kill me so this isn't so bad

"S. Suh. Sorry I didn't bring any blow for you, Kate Moss."

She stares at me.

I stare right the fuggin Heck back.

She slides off my lap and onto the grass next to me, scoffing and sighing and acting like I'm an insufferable asshole.

I am.

"You fucking should be, loser." It's like every single muscle relaxes. There's been a breath I never knew I'd been holding until I just let it out right now.

"I am, let me assure you that I am. I'll make it up to you, pills AND coke next time!" She laughs and it kinda sounds like a sob. Neither of us bother to acknowledge that part.

And if we're holding each other's hands that's not important.

"Your brother is kind-of ok."

She scoffs again.

"He's kind-of a buttmunch-" HOLY oh my god that's the, haaahahahahaholy FUCK I never. Oh shit that's funny I can't, that's too, wow,

"You're super adult-"

" _You_  punched a werewolf, I don't want to hear it! "

Huh.

Ok.

So the geezers weren't kidding. And I'm  _not_  a werewolf? What is that shit!?

I knew it wasn't a bear I

 _Seriously?_  They dropped me because they're  _werewolves?_  What fudging buttholes! I can't I can't  _believe_  that!

"He deserved it," and I do in fact insist that. "I warned him. I told him  _scare_ , but I meant any disturbance to her." She's a little tense and I don't get it.

" _Her?_ "

"My cousin. Ah. Sister? One of my best friends. Sam he. He made her  _cry_. And I  **warned**  him not to, to." She squeezes my hand just a little too hard.

I squeeze back.

"He's apologized?"

"... None of them have spoken to me in a month." I glance at her. From the corner of my eye. Like I'm so stubborn about not turning my head it hurts how hard I try to cut my eyes over to her.

She kind of. She. She kinda growls,

" _Good._ " She's not smiling but I swear this look is pleased.

"Sooo, you outta school yet or...?"

"I'll be starting my senior year in the fall."

"Of college?" oooh, that scowl tho.

"High school."

Oh. Oh shit. I'm not I'm not trying to laugh I swear I just.

"S-suh-so I'll visit you, yeah?" I'm trying to calm my laughter I swear. It's just hard.  _OW!_  Jeez she needs to not squeeze so vengefully hard! I've only got one good hand, and she's grabbing it, for a few more weeks she need to chill. "Or not-"

"Not like I care if you show up."... She  _totally_  cares.


	41. If I don't get cookies someone will get hurt

I got her number.

Be STILL my pounding heart.

Seriously I'm so fuggin giddy right now I I want to happy cry, you know? I'm just so fit to burst with the warm fuzzies. Oh Kate Moss, never change.

So Yeah, I told her I'd be starting up work again soon and if I didn't run into her on the road home I'd hunt her down to hit her with my car. She told me to go fuck myself. I told her she could watch.

I can't quite talk like this with the Stooges. They're sweet rowdy little baby bastards but like, ew. No way I'd talk to them this way. And the pack - the irony is not lost on me, I kinda hate it actually - hasn't talked to me in a hot minute so.

Fuck em.

It's just nice to have a rapport with someone I'm not related to/being ignored by.

Edward is ok too, and he even texts me, ahem, Nags the Hecking Dick outta me, about music! I've yet to dislike one of his suggestions. They're pretty dope.

Kinda trippy. Whenever I get around to calling Sam out on all his dog shit, I'ma listen to some albums in the field and face some alcohol while I'm at it. Might even invite one of the models.

Maybe.

If I'm feeling generous.

I've gotta work tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it. I already sent a picture to my fav coworker so she knows what to look forward to. Besides my glowing personality of course, which she's obviously missed. She called me Taka. Apparently it's Scar's original name.

Cute, by the way.

I'm going to get my cast off today, right now in fact. It's exciting. Oh I've missed this hand! I've had a bitch of an itch.

 _IfyaknowwhatI'msayin_.

I think ya do.

I feel so fuggin lucky that I've never run into any of those weirdos from the beach. It's honestly taken a lot of pressure off me.

Famous last words right? Nah nahnah I'll be fine this is my last time here this- oh. Oh shit. That's right Kate Moss is still in school, the fuggin. Oh jeez, hmm. The sacrifices I make for this woman. She'll love me.

So like. Ok. So apparently I can literally take this off myself.

I.

I fuggin _drove_ here.

They gave me a sweet packet on what to do. Basically just soak that shit in water and vinegar. I thought you needed like a saw and. It's pretty simple.

Honestly it feels like a good time to corner somebody. Someone like Emily. Her stay was supposed to be temporary, nothing more than a visit. But uhh, yeah she's got a house here now. Which is great, by the way.

Embry and Quil having been leeching off her knowledge and they're becoming even more formidable cooks.

Bet I can get her to make oatmeal cookies. I actually hate oatmeal cookies but hers are special.

Hmm, should I have text her before coming?

Eh. It'll be fine. Not like she'll have.

Any.

"Bella! I wasn't expecting you, we, I -"

Company.

"Sam. So _good_ to see you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup. Here I am. Bought a dress for an engagement party. Literally none of them have ever seen me in a dress, bout to hot flex on these chumps.


	42. I COULD be screaming but we'll see where things go

Supergirl can suck my dick, I might as well have laser eyes.

I'm making Sam sweat right now and I've never been more proud of myself. I was able to convince Emily to make him stay. I really don't regret punishing Sam if the reason Leah was crying was over this shit. They're both avoiding my eyes but at least Em is making conversation.

And tea.

She made cookies earlier, I can smell them on the air still, but they're gone so. Blaming Sam for that too.

"I'm so glad you're ok," I don't take my eyes off Sam. I haven't stopped smiling since I settled at the table across from him. He hasn't looked at me directly even  _once_. "Scary to think there are  _bears_  around here, huh?"

He kinda twitches. It's almost a flinch. Like a tick of his shoulders up just slightly. His eyes dash up and then immediately away from me. He has been silent and grimacing but right now it looks like he might literally be chewing on his tongue.

"Still just so glad you and Leah are ok. You, I suppose, are a little better off than Leah though, hmm?" I'm really sorry about this Em but. I finally drag my gaze from his hunched form, cut them over to Emily. "The  _both_  of you."

"Bella-"

"I know." Oh! The tea is ready sweeeet. It's a Jasmine green tea, ver tasty boy at that. Something about drinking tea makes me feel like I'm sitting in a hot tub.

It's honestly the best ever. I should drink more tea. It's good for you. I think. Some of them anyway.

"Bella-"

"What happened," mmmm,  _sooo_  good. Gosh can't get enough of that tea, oh is Sam about to speak again? S'pose I better finish my statement. "That night.  _I know_."

Is there honey in this cuz hooooo boy my mouth tastes so sugary sweet I just can't help smiling.

Sam finally decided to meet my eyes you see and hmmm, it's satisfying. All gaping mouthed shock.

"You said, Billy, Billy told us you didn't remember..."

"In fact I believe my exact answer to the, Hey 'member what savaged your good looks?, question was Not really. Not,  _I remember nothing_. If I'd remembered nothing I would've said that." Lemme just toss back the rest of this tea.

Fold my hands under my chin.

Smile pretty.

"I remember  _everything_." And I'm trying to keep the smile but I can feel the way it's twisting without my permission. "And you owe me,  _Spam_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cody! I'm ok, some ish happened the first weekend of November that über Hecked with me in a lot of ways but I'm ok now. Also, staaaaaahp with the honeyed words ya dork you'll make a lady's ego grow outta hand!


	43. This ain't Wonderland and that ain't a rabbit

I work with a guy who's a victim of HIV. He got it back in the eighties when it was all but a death sentence. Today he's happy and healthy with his partner and a spoiled rotten Siamese-Calico mix of a cat. The virus is entirely dormant and. Yeah. He doesn't look sick. Never has.

He doesn't get looks for his  _affliction_ , and he shouldn't. No no. And so, his being something not obvious and mine being rather, ahh, very obvious I expect the looks. I'm ready and waiting.

Only the security guards give me a second look. Only my full-time supervisor looks longer than is strictly necessary, then she just nods and goes back to scribbling on the board.

It, more than my scars for attracting flies, really lets all the weight off my shoulders. I'd been fully prepared for...

It's like heaven.

They don't want me sorting with a still tender hand so they put me with my best work friend and we just shout all night. Hoot and holler and howl at each other. Everyone's being way too nice about the scars. Seriously someone should definitely step in and stop me.

Kate Moss is waiting for me at the town line. I throw my truck into park in the middle of the road.

And no, I don't bother to turn it off and remove the keys from the ignition before I'm out of the cab and sprinting to her car. I know it's her car, see, cuz it's not a shitty silver Volvo with a wicked scratch on it.

It is pretty different though, like. Way more yellow than I'm used to.

Weird. But whatever as long as I get to sass the queen of coke and mean I.

Huh.

That doesn't look like Katie who.

No.  _NO_.

H-how this can be,  _ohmygoodgolygodlinessgosh_  oh thank you Buddha Krishna whoever is listening.

"Am I supposed to be happy to see you?"

"Be happy I didn't ram my beast in your little canary cage over here. Why'd you bring Liddell?"

Alice waves.

I wave back.

Honestly she looks like she really wants to hug me but I don't know her, like, at all. So. Just gonna shift around a little uncomfortably. Shove my dirty hands in my pockets. If I'd known I'd see more than just my Mossy girl I mighta scrubbed my face an arms an hands in the bathroom at work.

I mean probably not but.

I mean.

She, Alice, hasn't seen me since before my good eye happened. I feel.  _Weirdly_  I really feel uh.

Embarrassed?

"I didn't want her to be late for her very important date."

I'm huffing at her, or scoffing. They're basically the same thing right?

"I  _knew_  you looked familiar."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leaving for the engagement after work. Figured I'd part with this boy. Un short he boy, yis. Ok. Anyway. Peace be with you


	44. Also she's never fed me so...

By the third consecutive time that Alice shows up next to my Moss I'm so very done with her and her shit. I stop in the beams of their headlights, arms crossed hips cocked, and fuggin stare her tiny ass down.

"Literally, what are you doing here?"

"I just-" she looks like she's wrestling the answer out of her own mouth. Seriously Hecking constipation face. "I just wanna be your friend-"

"I'm  _so good_  on that, like I'm sure you're über nice but like. No. Thank you."

I didn't think this tiny humanoid could look anymore like a child. I was wrong. So very, very wrong. She just had to pout you see.

I'm sure I could be more unimpressed but like. I'm definitely not though, so Yeah.

"You're friends with Rosalie!" damn wrong twice, I am now the most unimpressed. She just  _stamped her foot._

"No I'm not. Have you  _met_  her? She's  _way_  too cool for me." Katie Moss is smiling, even though she's trying not to. Heh, fuggin gottie. Alice is sputtering and it's distracting me from watching Moss get amused by me.

"Bu-but what about Edward!?"

What, wha I'm not. I don't understand how that has  _anything_  to do with what's happening right now.

"Yeah? We're friends? His taste in shitty music is in line with mine, he's not even a fragment as cool as Rosalie, why wouldn't we be friends?"

More spluttering. Seriously she's like way too whatever she is to be spitting and stumbling over words. Come on little Liddell. You can do it, I believe in you!

"The-then what about  _Me!?_ "

"Dude I'm a fuggin loser-"

"I second that." Awwww, Mossy girl you too good to me.

"-why do you even  _want_  to be my friend?"

She looks almost like a cute fluffy animal when she gets angry. Except even as I say this I can feel sweat beading on my brow and that one place between my shoulder blades. These models make me nervous with their emotions.

Probably because they're living legends. Tribal legends. There are like, no legendary native American creatures that are safe. I mean I'm sure there are but like. Skin Walkers, wendigos, fuggin uhh most Navajo things to be honest.

So Yeah I'm perfectly justified in my nerves and anxiety sweat.

"You're important!" Huh? Wha- oh, oooh yeah we were Like. Talking. She's nice or whatever but seriously hardcore cock blocking me here.

"You don't even go here frien, the fuck would you know?"

She gasps, hand fluttering to cover her mouth. Did I really insult her or

"You called me friend!"

Bitch,

"Oh I said  _frien_ , not friend. Get ya life right and ya ears checked. And like, no offense, I seriously mean that, so don't get it twisted but. Could you,  _kindly_ ," isthereanicewaytoputhis... "Go fuck off elsewhere?"

...

...

My heart is going to  _explode_. Mean Queen Coke Machine is cracking up right now. Like I thought she was shaking, and she def is, but with laughter that is now booming out of her.

And Alice is taking this pretty well.

Now if only she'd listen to my words instead of whining at my girl.


	45. Ok but why me though?

You.

Cannot.

Be serious.

I don't even. How does one. What could possibly possess her.

She got a fuggin. She got. A FUCKING. JOB. Here, where I work.

Littlest Liddell got a job here. On my shift. Not in my area, at least not yet. She's still wearing the vest they give to new hires, and those are probably like, fuggin Lululemon yoga pants but I mean. She's like the shiniest new toy in this dusty box.

She's getting eyes. It's only cuz I was sent to run a slide downstairs, only cuz they sent my work wife with me, and only cuz work wife likes em petite and elbowed me so hard it's gonna leave a bruise.

What's worse though is when our eyes meet.

Work wife groans.

"Bruh, that girl make my pussy hard."

"Good to know."

"Sweet gherkins, ohmah _gawddd_ , she's coming over here!" Kill me. Kill me soft and slow with a sick porny bass thumping in the background.

"Bella, Hey!" Work wife might actually, literally, currently be slowly burning a hole in my face with only her sweet baby blues. Swear, fuggin hashtag my face is melting.

Ew that was gross why did I do that to myself?

Maybe if I pretend I didn't hear her...?

"Bella I didn't know you worked here!" This. Is. Hell. She's hugging me. I like cute tiny things and I even occasionally recreationally do hugs with close friends, but like. Cute and tiny she may be, a friend she is not.

Yoda, my soul is inhabited by.

" _Somehow, I feel like you did actually know that, even though I'm Real Certain I never told you._ " she pulls back and pouts like she'd heard my grumble. It's loud in here by the way there's like no way.

"Belly button! Hon, honey bunch, sweeet baby. Who's your friend?"  _Christ_  if she squeezes my arm any harder it'll bruise! I mean it might bruise anyway I'm not that tan.

"Uh, she's not."

She's  _really_  pouting now. I really hate that I find it cute instead of insufferable. Like this is almost a whole ass adult ass woman ass woman, pouting at me, and it's not stupid. I hate this.

" ** _Belly!_** "

Ugh! Stupid horny bitch!

Fuggin, sigh, I SIGH AT YOU SIR, Err, MADAM!

"This is Alice. She's a..." Oh that's a hopeful look. Golly goodness fuggin Heck, she really is super über cute. Buuuut "- _person_ , that is related to the future mother of my children."

"Ex- _squeeze_  me!?"  _Thank You Alice_ , you fuggin, now I have to tell her! "Aight cutie, i's real nice to meetcha, Ima say bye real quick while you keep runnin that slide over there with those other fresh meats cuz me an my gril right here needa have a  _Long Talk._ "

Oh NOW she stops smiling. Thanks you jerk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I slur my words a bit has anyone noticed?


	46. I won't say I'm mad

I painted my nails yesterday. Err, this morning technically. Well not technically, literally.

Days are weird for me get off my back ok.

So Yeah. I dunno. I was trying to do The Gauntlet but alas, halfway - twenty minutes - through Lords of the Deep I was nodding off and only my 'Get yer fuggin ass to bed' alarm I set for around eight on my phone for like every weekday startled me enough to not drool or spill polish on the couch.

And yes I do in fact do things like paint my nails. It's soothing AF. Also I don't rip my nails as often when they're painted. In the light it's a shiny deep purple but otherwise it kinda looks brassy. Seriously choice.

I'm not sure what it is about painted nails that makes me feel like a sexy delicate unkillable ladylike warrior princess but seriously I'm pretty sure I could slap bullets out of the air right now.

In all actuality I'm cliff diving. I haven't done it in five-ever.

So like two weeks.

Got my jorts. Got my bikini top. The sun is almost out. It's like mildly warm. So SaladFork balmy, basically. It's a good day.

Oh and would you just fuggin look at that! It's The Pack. Hmm haven't spoken to them since. Well actually I haven't seen all of them together since The Incident. Oh Sam's already - sensed? Heard? Smelled? Like what stupid werewolf nonsense detected me for serious? - seen my approach look at his tense shoulders! You could grind diamonds to dust on them boys.

Did I just make a fother mucking JoJo's reference?

"Ohmygosh HEEEEEY!" Oh I hope that sounded as awfully diabetic shock sweet as it did in my ears. Think my teeth are rotting. Good this is good. "Soooo good to see you all, oooh  _wow_ , what's it been, two months? More? Gosh time surely does fly!"

Oh they look uncomfortable! Maybe they're all rocking mouths full of cavities like me! Fuggin suffer you furry dweebs. This is what you get for messing around with Bellas!

Leah is the only one that doesn't flinch. Just kinda dead fish eyes me. That's my girl. Poor thing though, she looks tired and miserable. Gee I wonder why,  _Sam_. And I cut him the nastiest glare I can.

"So," I start stretching my arms above my head and behind my back until my shoulders and spine pop nicely, grinning and sighing all content. "I've been a bit outta the loop as of late. Ya know, recovering, working. You all hang with the geezers a lot you'd know, they caught the bear that did this to me yet?"

Aaaaand he flinches, yes! Well can't stop now can I?

"It's so scary to think there's some angry beast out there, waiting. Who could it hurt next? Why I'd jus-"

"Cut the shit." Leah of course, none of the boys would dare. Sam's def too scared to say shit. Quivering in his ah, jorts. Oh! Twins! We're all. Wait is it twins if we're all in jorts?

Quintuplets!

"We know, Bella." Hmm what? Oh! Right we were talking. Well, I was talking and they were all taking it like a bunch of actual bitches.

So they know that I know? Oh  _goodie_.

"You? You  _all_  know? Well what a relief! And here I was worried that I'd have to,  _I dunno_ , blatantly lie to your faces or omit all truth or AVOID you all or something.  _So. Glad._  That's not the case, it would honestly break my heart to have to do that to my family and best friends and just WOW I'm overjoyed that You All  _Know_."

You know how anger tastes kinda like hot air, the kind of hot air that's hard to breath and makes a million shades of red appear when you close your eyes?

Yeah.

That.


	47. I didn't miss them ok there's just gunk in my eyes

You ever actually literally stand toe-to-toe with a person? It's no good, not very comfortable, incredibly awkward. It's a lot of things but it isn't intimidating. Or maybe it is when you're the taller person. I'm definitely not. Sam might actually have grown a few inches recently without my noticing. Maybe it's the wolf in him.

Either way, toe-to-toe is a big fat no go with my bro bro from long ago. Go.

I'm not sorry and I won't stop.

But yeah, fuggin, fuck that I stand ON his toes. Just the tips. He doesn't even flinch, the bastard. But he's not shaking or scowling for once.  _Freak_.

Naturally I slap him. The usual ol' love tap viper quick to the cheek. He kinda jerks his head back a bit, blinks all fast. There's my scowling boy! Oh how I've missed him. Kinda.

Not really.

This ass made me half blind I'm still peeved about that.

"I'm  _sick_  of you hurting me and mine. If you ever,  _ever_ , put hands on Emily the way you did me, or hurt her like you did my LeedleLee, I'm not going to try to fight you. I will put a bullet in your head. Do you understand?" I'm being harsh right?

To the guy that hurt my family, permanently ruined my BEAUTIFUL face - I know damn well I'm a, was a, am a handsome woman thank you VERY MUCH - and spread werewolf virus to my friends and family at the same time that he forced them to be isolated from me.

Sooooo

"Bella you don't have to-"

"Thank you, Lee, I'm aware. You're a big bitch - literally -" I wink at her. "- and you can protect yourself. But Emily  _can't_. Get your shit together, do some yoga smoke some dope  _I Don't Care_ , but you fuggin  _Watch It_  bud."

Boom!

...

I  _really_  can't shove Van Helsing anymore. It's very annoying. It's not like I've been working out but I have lost weight since I've gotten back to work. I'm ye strong yung lass!

...

I'll say what I fuggin want thanks.

Anyway I can stop being such a Hecking bitch now that I've got my point across. Well to him anyway,

"Paul, you a bitch. Jared, if you wanted to protect me from mosquitos it's way too late. Leah, I miss you bitch, baby come back?"

Oh I'm sorry was that not hilarious? I did not realize I was so unfunny, I did not realize being wolves meant they lost their sense of humor. And by the way, they're definitely not werewolves, can I just get that out into the ether?

Too late already did.

But seriously before they started shunning my non-believing ass, I'd been with most if not all of them during a full moon. Maybe they're like umm. Uh. Ya know what they're tribe legends first and foremost.

Ohmuhgawsh, Leah just giggled at me! Babykiiiiiiiiiins!

"I missed you, loser." I am NOT fuggin crying ok? I'm just getting a hug and sweat got in my eyes cuz Leah's super hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A dude I work with keep tryna hit it but I'm not interested. For many reasons, the greatest of which is he doesn't love The Office to the rabid raccoon levels that I do. It'll never work out. You can't insult Michael Scott or Dwight Schrute and expect me to ass over tits fall in love with you and I'm not sorry about that
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO YA GURL DISCOVERED THE NEW SHE-RA GET HYPE SHIT WILL HAPPEN


	48. It's like Eight Mile with no rapping

I've been sending her memes. She doesn't usually respond.

Probs for the best to be completely honest.

They're very dumb memes and I don't need to be encouraged. I know and accept this about myself. She does as well. Which is hot. Not really but she is and that's enough.

Anyway I sent her some Star Wars memes and she didna think they were very funny. Like I get that JarJar Land isn't as topical as it could've been like two, three years ago. But that's some good shit damnit! Fuggin JarJar Land bru! It's  _Gold!_

We're meeting in the field.

I told My Pack.

They howled up a hot storm about it. I told them to suck eggs. My eggs. They were grossed out. I laughed.

But yeah, I know she can't like, have a picnic with me but I'm just saying that Emily Embry and Quil have chipped in to the backpack-lunchbox I've got secured next to me and there might be a blanket and I might have wine.

I've been strong arming the fuggin Heck out of them. Like, with guilt an shit. Leah doesn't give a flying fuck and regularly tells me so but the boys are all a bunch of pansies. Fuggin pushovers.

So I'm in nice-ish clothing? And I brushed my hair and bathed. My hands will never look pretty but I scrubbed them really hard until they were bright pink and most of the dirt was gone from my calluses. I should moisturize.

I'm not nervous  _you're_  nervous.

I set up under the tree. Make it look pretty. Ish.

Drink wine.

Like half the bottle.

It was pricier than my usual cheap garbage, but it's also Game of Thrones inspired so it's worth it. And Sam owed me so I didn't have to buy it so it's ESPECIALLY worth it. But um. Like. Lowkey AF, this wine is super duper boozy. And I didn't exactly eat earlier. Sometimes ya girl eats sleep for breakfast, feel?

And by sometimes I mean most days.

"Bella," oh! Yes ok it's time to not be drunk. I mean. I'm definitely not. I'm not drunk offa just half a bottle that would

Ok but I'm like a  _little_  drunk though.

"Well look who finally decided to show up!"

"I'm... half an hour early." Huh.

How long have I been here?

"A likely story," aww she's so pretty when she rolls her eyes at me. "Can't believe you were late for being early! What a bitch."

"Coming from the girl that  _still_  reeks like wet dog."

"I take offense to that-"

" _Good_." I might love her sometimes.

"-I bathed today, I'll have you know!" She scoffs. I live for that shit.

"Could've fooled me." She's too good for this world, it doesn't deserve her. I might be too good for her but I think she deserves a shot with a loser, ya know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been snowed in for days. Drinking a lot. I binged the whole first season of She-Ra and also Happy! so that was a twenty four hour period.


	49. She pushed me out

Her mouth tastes like blood.

Which like, totally makes sense. Is not surprising, I totally saw that coming.

I'm still a little startled though? Like I  _knew_  but I didn't quite expect I guess. I dunno. It's not a terrible thing really. Just one of those things I think about. I think it's especially a strange but decidedly bearable flavor mostly cuz she's so cold.

Things are better cold, they just taste better and, like popsicles? Fuggin love popsicles.  _Because_  they're cold. Like cold pizza is amazing, hot pizza is uh-may-ziiiing but cold pizza is satisfying in a filthy lazy way. I love putting basically all chocolate candies in the freezer cuz. Fuggin Heck yeah.

Cold things taste better.

Lukewarm things are ok too I guess.

And I suppose there's a time and place for lava hot vittles.

Meh.

She lays in the truck bed with me and she complains until I put the blanket down. Holds my hand the  _whole time,_  by the way. Like I can't even properly put it down so I'm on bare metal and she's half curled on messy rumpled slightly grass stained-

Yo but straight up she's not complaining about that. Or anything. She's super calm. Seems a little sleepy almost. Eyes half-lidded, smiling in the teeniest tiniest little way. Reminds me of a cat. Maybe that's why I enjoy her.

Fuggin love cats, those precious little psychos. An-

Ah.

That's. I think she's purring. I mean,  _literally_  purring.

Wow my honey a  _freak_.

"What're  _you_  laughing about, loser?" Aww, I love her names for me. Such a sweet tsundere bby gril. I'm intimately aware she's at least  _Way Hecking_  older than me, by the way. She's aged well. I'm dying to tell her that. I'm pretty sure she won't hit me too hard for it.

"Mm, nothin much. You mostly."

"Mostly?"

"Yea." I know she loves me cuz she tolerates me with very little ire -OWWHECKINGJEEZUS, the Heck is, this fuggin, she pinched the FUCK outta my arm! The  _underside!_  The  _sweet meat!_  So ruuuuuuuude. "You suck."

Her eyes open a bit wider with a few rapid blinks. She turns her head to look at me. Dem brows crawl on up. And then she smiles big enough to, well. It's not a smile its more like she's.

Oh!

Oooh.

Yeah she's a uh, a vampire. I'm not, like I haven't forgo- I'm still a little tipsy get off my fuggin back I'm not.

"Shut up!"

"Haven't said anything." OOoh but that smug smile says it all. Jerk! I should probably get rid of that. Better just straddle those most glorious hips of hers. Lean in reeeal close. I could kiss her again. Probably will. But foist...!

"Don't have to,  _jerk_." I lick her cheek.

She takes offense to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really trying to find a way to write something for She-Ra but the words are alluding me. Ver annoying. Ah well.


	50. Conspirators, sabotage, evil doers!

I'm making them meet.

Ideally, I want all my puppers to sit down with Katie Moss and her midnight crew so that I can fuggin nag em for being a bunch of emotional nerds ruled by the need to be a cliche. I mean  _really_.

It's one thing to spend years listening to legends about bats and dogs but bringing that shit into the real world is ridiculous. My asshole family just had to embarrass me by existing.

I'm starting to think maybe I wouldn't be such a loser if they weren't around.

Obviously I have to keep them forever.

Except Seth. I must nurture him, be the mama bird that feeds him and loves him but pushes him out of the nest so that he can fly free. I love him and I must let him go. I'll always be there to swoop in when he needs me OHMUHBOI!

He knew Leah was a howler. I could almost be mad but I understand it wasn't him, oh sweet boy, no no, it was Auntie and Uncle and LeedleLee herself that forced my child to hide secrets.

Anywho, ideals and my son aside, I'm making Leedle and Mossy meet. They're my most important bitches and I just know they'd hate each other. Err. I mean. Ah fuck it

Heck, I'll be lucky if they don't fuggin try an gut each other. Maybe I shoulda brought the Stooges instead. The worst they'd do is hit on her and force me to kick their asses.

Oh well, at least Moss will get to see my beautifulness. And Leah I guess. I could always leave them in public and hope for the best. Hmm. Actually that sounds pretty-

"Bella what the fuck," oooh sassy growl, grilling at me! Ah, no wait, reverse that. Sassy gril, growling at  _yougetit_. Sweet thing, she squeezes my hand so tight it almost breaks again! I can tell. It hurts.

This sweet angry puppy.

I pinch her cheek and  _twiiist_.

"Awwww, who's a good girl, who's a, who's a, who's a  _good girl!_ " Is my ver best googoogaga baby talk puppy voice. You know the one.

She slaps my hand away.

"Aw, uh-oh, somebody's not gonna get treats!" ohmuhgawsh! That bird has done been FLIPPED! "For serious though, keep actin a fool and see if I buy you lunch."

She growls again. I pat her head. She snaps at my hand... buuut obediently walks over and sits at the table with my freaky honey. Such a cutie.

"HiBella!" JEEZUSWHATHE-

"Alice, what you, I,  _What!?_ " She fuggin, that I can't buh _lieve_ , "That  _traitor!_ "

"You'll get over it. It's the only way you'll ever love me." what What WHAT "Your birthday is soon, right? Let's go shopping!" No Help HELP LEAH WHY ARE YOU SMILING

_TRAITORS!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii I'm back. I'll do more very quickly either right now or after work when I'm not on a notadate with this cute person and like everyone else I work with.


	51. It's not even my fault!

 

"Triggered."

"You're retarded."

"Ohmuhgawd, extra triggered!" You can't just say stuff like that!

It's not the nineties, she ain't a colorful comedian such as the wonderful godly absolutely perfect Patton Oswalt. You can't say stuff like retarded and faggot. I mean you can like, think it to yourself but seriously.

 _Triggered_.

"Kill yourself."

"Uhmmm. Wow. FU. KING.  _WOOOW_."

"You  _literally_  called my brother faggy, how? The fuck? Do you come off?"

"He wears high waters. I mean yeah it rains a lot but he owns sparkly boots. I've seen him in sweater vests AND I know for a FACT he owns at least five bowties."

"That means nothing-"

"Blow me it super means everything." Have I mentioned I'd be into signing a marriage contract with this lady cuz yeah I'ma put a ring on that shit. Oh! Oh damn I "Bru, fuggin, hold on babe."

"Don't call me babe."

"BOOM! Watermelon flavored cuz, ya know. I love water my lawn. And I'd love to water your lawn  _yaknowwhatI'msayin?_ " I know she can't eat but ring pops right? I keep em for work. Not usually but I've had one

Bitch!

_BITCH!_

I CAN'T

"I paid  _money_  for that!" How  _Dare_  she slap that outta my hand! What  _vile_

"You paid seventy nine cent for that."

"GOOD MONEY! If this is cuz I ditched your sister-"

"What, she was being faggy too?" see and when she says it my insides kinda hurt. Not in the  _worst_  way... Kinda tingly. Hmm.

" _No_..." ... "... _Kinda_. She's just tryin too hard! She needs to chill! I'm not that amazing. I mean, I'm pretty fucking lame no lie, and that's super great, I'm content, you want to eat my ass-"

"I want a divorce."

"-and  _I Love You Too_ , but yeah. Liss needs some bliss. I got nothin." Ya know I never pegged my Mossy girl as the type to have a super duper over-the-top ringtone. I want mine to be the Power Rangers! Or like. Doll$Boxx or somethin. I dunno, we can talk about it.

When she's not smiling WHY is she smiling she only does that when it involves my doom she,

"It's Alice."  _Dear God no._  "She likes the nickname." I've made mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiieee I'm not deeeeaaad~
> 
> That notadate didn't happen ver lame, missed out on awkward flirting in public oh darn. WELP. Hush Ren am not


	52. Yeah but I make a pretty sexy footrest!

"I'm tired of being a people." My wifey didn't have the cushiest lap but I mean like damn though. Thighs so sweet an heavenly should be used to pillow the heads of worthy individuals.

See now I ain't exactly worthy but she hasn't pushed me off yet.

For the third time.

And things are better in threes, tv says so. And Colleen Green says tv is friend.  _FRIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_

"Ok," my most Mossy love turns a page in her magazine - automotive, fuggin tryhard fuggin, Gawd she's too good - and kinda tugs at the hair in her hand. "Very good."

Now she can pretend I'm the annoying legend I  _know_  am and that she hates it but BUUUT. Butt, hehe. But, I know she digs me cuz why else would she be playing with my hair? And using my face to hold her magazine in place?

We're basically married. Maybe we should date though. Like, first and foremostly.

Mmmm, maybe later though. Pretty content right here. 'sides, we should be friends first. Like I'm pretty sure she's ready to let me have her babies but she's waiting for me to be ready to let me have her babies.

Or should I say Barbies? BOOOOM GOT EM!

"Care to elaborate?"

Hmm what?

"You don't want to be 'a people'?"

"I don't appreciate the way you said that."

"Tough." Hehe, oh sweet darling.

I think being a rock would be fine. Or like, a cat. Being a human sucks cuz like. Teeth! I want shark teeth. Shit forever grows back. And dogs have nice teeth too, unless they're purebred, but mutts are cooler anyway.

"Hey," tsktsk, she keeps tugging on my hair for attention like that it might just fall out! I should get a haircut. Just go bald. Hair takes effort. "Do that thing where you never shut up."

I KNEW she loved me. What a fuggin sap!

"Just that being a people sucks." She moves the magazine to stare down at me. I smile and boop her nose. Ah! Muh heart! So pretty when she huffs and rolls them peepers of hers.

"We could fix this issue of yours  _today_ -"

"Nope!" Pop that p like a fother mucker! "Not til baby Seth is in college. And I look older than you. I wanna be the hot older partner-" she drops the magazine back on my face.

Still doesn't push my head off her-

Damn.

"Joke's on you I happen to like the floor!"


End file.
